THE FRIENDSHIP BREAKUP: HOW THEY HAPPEN AND WHY THEY HURT
The end of any relationship that’s ever meant something to you can bring uncomfortable feelings and confusion.
And guess what? Friendships aren’t excluded.
Some people used to downplay the impact of friendship breakups, because in the past they didn’t place a high value on those relationships.
But once they experienced the end of a friendship and how much it hurt, they had a change of heart.
I’d argue that friendship breakups can be even more painful than other relationship endings due to their often undefined nature.
Every other relationship in your life, be it family, romantic, or even professional, has more explicit expectations of how each person should treat each other.
These guidelines tend to help a relationship go the distance, whereas, without them, there is too much room for assumptions, misunderstandings, and miscommunications.
Because there is no playbook, everyone navigates friendships as best as they can and sometimes that leads to a devastating friendship breakup.
This blog post will guide you through the ways friendship breakups can happen and the reasons it can leave you feeling completely heartbroken. 💔
13 Reasons Why Friendships Break Up
1| Different Interests
You and your friend bonded over a shared interest in something. This could be a hobby, sports, music, going to the gym, anything really.
But when that thing stopped being as important to one person, or it somehow disappeared, you all had a hard time finding a path to connection in a new way.
This also exposed a flaw in the friendship in that it never evolved beyond that one particular interest. It appears that you all were more like acquaintances than friends.
Example:
You made friends with someone because you both enjoyed crocheting and spent time doing it together.
Lately, your friend picked up a new hobby of reading and that’s how she now prefers to spend most of her free time. Now you two don’t hang out at all.
Relevant Blog Post: THE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ACQUAINTANCES AND FRIENDS
2| Proximity Has Changed
We’re talking about physical proximity here, meaning being close to someone’s presence in person (not metaphorically).
Where you were once able to reach out and hug your bestie or pop up on them whenever you wanted, you no longer can and it’s caused a rift in your friendship.
First, let’s address the truth that proximity as the foundation of your friendship is already a setup for failure.
But to make matters worse, somehow the distance managed to get in the way of what was once a solid friendship.
Example:
You and your friend used to live in the same state and would spend time together every week. Now, your friend has moved across the country, and the only way you can hang out is if you coordinate schedules and plan far in advance.
The friendship ended because more effort was going to be needed to sustain the relationship, and unfortunately, it proved to be too difficult.
Relevant Blog Posts: 5 FRAGILE FRIENDSHIP FOUNDATIONS TO AVOID and HOW TO NAVIGATE LONG-DISTANCE FRIENDSHIPS
3| Major Life Changes
This is a big one and an incredibly common reason for the dissolution of a friendship.
Major life changes include things like getting married, getting divorced, having children, changing careers, going back to school, etc.
When one friend experiences this life change, the other friend may find it difficult to connect with that friend the same because they can’t relate to them in the season they are in.
Example:
You have kids before your friend, and now your priorities have shifted, and your time is limited.
Both you and your friend aren’t used to this new dynamic and the effort isn't made to learn how you two can navigate this space, so the friendship falls to the wayside.
Relevant Blog Post: HOW TO NAVIGATE FRIENDSHIPS WITH MOMS WHEN YOU’RE CHILD-FREE
4| A Big Blow-Up
You and your friend had a disagreement. And not just any kind of disagreement, this was an argument, a sparring of words, and hurtful actions that have reached a level it never has before.
instead of working it out and figuring out some sort of resolution, it appears there is no coming back from it because of the pain you caused one another.
Example:
You borrow a dress from your friend and spill wine on it.
Your friend wants you to get it dry-cleaned before returning it to her, but you instead offer to pay to get it done because you don’t have time to take it yourself.
This results in a fight where she calls you selfish, you tell her she’s being unreasonable, she complains about you on social media, you throw the dress in the trash, and it continues to escalate to a point of no return.
Relevant Blog Post: HOW TO RESOLVE ISSUES WITH YOUR FRIENDS
5| Romantic Relationship Interference
This happens when someone gets into a relationship and forgets they had a life before that significant other came along.
Someone’s romantic partner became their only priority, causing them to completely disregard the platonic love that was once significant in their life.
To add insult to injury, whenever the relationship experiences trouble or ends, that friend tries to come back around like everything is fine. But with each new relationship, they repeats the same disappearing act.
Example:
You and your friend hang out at least once a month on the weekend, but since she’s gotten into a relationship, she’s become unavailable due to having plans with her partner.
She never initiates spending time together anymore, and she declines your invitations to go anywhere or do anything.
Relevant Blog Post: THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIPS OUTSIDE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
6| Secret Animosity
This one sucks and can completely blindside you.
You may have done absolutely nothing wrong to this friend but now they have negative feelings toward you that can stem from their insecurities, jealousy, or challenges in their life that make them look at you like the enemy.
Your elevation, your wins, and your growth in some way have made them feel threatened, and they now treat you unkindly.
Example:
Both you and your friend are up-and-coming hairstylists, and your work has caught the eyes of a popular influencer who wants to work with you.
Instead of being happy for you, your “friend” tries to minimize the significance of this accomplishment.
Relevant Blog Post: 8 SIGNS THAT GIRL IS NOT YOUR FRIEND
7| Friendship Needs Changed
You and your friend once shared a similar desire for a particular level of connection, but over time that may have changed.
Major life transitions, busy seasons, heartbreak, health issues, and many other things interfere with how we show up in our friendships. Sometimes that can mean one person is pulling away, while the other is attempting to draw closer together.
That’s when the needs of both friends conflict, leading to friction and feelings of neglect or disrespect.
Example:
You and your friend used to talk on the phone every day in college, but now the calls are so few and far between.
You want some form of communication monthly, while she would prefer to catch up once a quarter. You’re finding her to be too low-maintenance, while she’s finding you to be too needy.
Relevant Blog Post: THE LOW MAINTENANCE FRIEND: THE GOOD, THE MISCONSTRUED, AND THE REAL
8| Mismatched Friendship Love Languages (and the lack of communicating them)
This is an interesting one because when we think of love languages, we always go to romantic relationships, but they are pretty important in friendships as well.
One friend could be giving love using one love language, while the friend on the receiving end is not feeling the significance that the friend giving it intended.
And because people then feel “weird” to express their expectations of a friend, they settle for whatever is given.
So one person ends up feeling unloved, while the other ends up feeling undervalued.
FWI Note: This is not an excuse to be ungrateful, but to shine a light on where there can be some disconnect between friends.
Example:
You graduate from college and you want your friend to attend your graduation party, but instead, she sends you a gift.
This behavior continues for every milestone because you never communicated that her physical presence meant more to you than receiving gifts.
Now you have cut this friend off because you feel like she doesn’t care about physically being there for you.
Relevant Blog Post: THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES FOR FRIENDSHIP
9| Different Stages of Personal Growth
Sometimes nothing big or crazy has happened that ended the friendship, but you and your friend are simply growing at a different speed.
One friend may live their life by engaging in self-sabotaging and irresponsible behavior, while the other is trying to evolve and stop doing such things.
Or one friend has a desire to change and elevate and the other is comfortable just as they are.
These differences aren't always a cause for the end of a friendship, but it can be because it’s difficult to be around people who have a different level of drive than you do.
Maybe the friend isn’t “cut off,” but the amount of time spent with them is limited because the person trying to change doesn’t want to risk falling back into old habits.
Example:
You began to prioritize a healthier lifestyle and quit smoking, but your friend does not feel the same. It then becomes difficult to be around said friend because of temptation, so you hang out with her less frequently.
On the other hand, she feels judged by you for not wanting to make that lifestyle change. This causes you both to not want to be around the other.
A sub-reason for this being an end to a friendship is when a friend is actually changing for the worst: I know it sucks, but sometimes people are getting older but not maturing. The friend you once loved is becoming someone unpleasant to be around, and you no longer desire to be connected to them.
10| Different Values
Shared beliefs are a common factor that forms friendships, so it's no surprise that when a person's belief system changes, especially drastically, it can alter a friendship.
That's because our value systems often dictate how we live our lives, and if one person changes certain behaviors, stops actions, and starts new practices, this could cause friction in the friendship.
Example:
I'm just going to use the big one here. One friend found God, while the other is not religious, and now what was once important to both of them has changed.
Religion (at least a relationship with Christ) has principles to live by, and if the friends can’t respect the way the other lives their life, it will cause a divide.
11| Lack of Effort and Reciprocation
It probably wasn't always this way when you first started becoming friends with one another, but over time, you all have stopped putting intentional effort into the friendship.
Complacency set in and you all got comfortable thinking that your bond would always be tight due to having a long history, but anything that you don't water eventually dies.
On the other hand, if it’s just one friend consistently investing in the friendship, they will get fed up with the lack of reciprocation. This makes that friend feel taken for granted.
Example:
No one, or only one person in the friendship is taking the initiative to plan outings, schedule catch-up calls, or check in to see how the other is doing.
12| Poor Communication
Somewhere down the line, there has been a shift in the communication between you and your friend.
It’s been watered down to shared Reels/TikTok videos and an occasional text message here and there.
But there is no depth.
There is no truly knowing how the other is doing, what's going on in their lives, and how they feel about it all.
Instead of hearing about good or bad news in one-on-one conversations, friends are only learning about each other’s lives from social media posts.
It’s normal to not be able to talk to each other about every little thing going on in your life, however, when it’s been reduced to almost nothing is when issues arise.
Other times it’s not because of busyness, you two just forgot how to have some good ole girl talk with one another.
You feel like you know everything already but that’s simply not true, because you both are changing and having new experiences daily. But instead of implementing new techniques like conversation starters, you just stopped talking altogether.
Example:
You both get caught up in the hustle and bustle of your day jobs and make less time to catch up with one another.
By the time you do, so much has happened that you forget important details or simply don’t feel like rehashing old events (even though they were significant to you).
Instead, you start having more surface-level conversations and find yourselves drifting from being friends to acquaintances.
Relevant Blog Post: GIRL TALK: 40 CONVERSATION STARTERS FOR FRIENDS
13| Lack of Support
Over time, you and your friend will accumulate many important moments in your lives. And it’s understandable that you guys won’t always be there for every single one of them.
However, if a habit is formed of constantly missing important milestones, and no other method of support is given, then yeah, this can be the reason a friendship ends.
Especially if one friend feels like they are consistently there for the other’s big moments and that same level of support is not reciprocated.
If there's always an excuse for the absence or a complete ignorance of these special events, it will make that friend feel uncared for.
Example:
You miss your friend’s engagement party, bachelorette party, bridal shower, and wedding because you’re too absorbed in the happenings of your life.
Excluding extenuating circumstances (like serious illness), there’s no reason you couldn’t have been there for your friend and offered your support in some way.
Relevant Blog Post: 60 WAYS TO BE A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND
4 Ways A Friend “Breaks Up” With You
Friendship breakups can happen in a lot of ways, but check out these most common approaches.
1| She ghosts you
This is when one friend completely disappears (she is alive!), but maybe you’re dead to her.
She stops responding to your messages and calls, blocks you on social media, and erases you out of her life like you never existed.
It’s abrupt and swift.
2| She distances herself from you
This is when one friend gradually pulls away from you.
You know how Gen Z came up with the term “quiet quitting” as it relates to the workplace?
It’s almost as if she is “quiet quitting” the friendship.
She is doing the bare minimum, showing little interest in you and your life, and essentially keeping her distance hoping you’d get the hint.
3| She sends you written communication
This is the one friend who doesn’t like confrontation, so she passively goes about her grievances via written forms of communication.
This can be a text message, an email (I’m guilty of this 🙈), or a letter.
The logic is to prevent an exhaustive, emotional conversation with hopes of saying her peace and closing the chapter unscathed.
4| She organizes a one-on-one conversation
This is for the super emotionally intelligent and healthy friends.
These friends can have open communication, and create a safe space for both people to discuss their feelings and hear one another out.
And even after rehashing everything, they still decide it’s best to go their separate ways.
Why Friendship Breakups Hurt So Much
Shared History
Being friends with someone for a long time allows you the privilege of making many memories together and sharing experiences, good or bad, that have kept you connected.
You've been able to have so many "you remember when..." conversations and bonded over reminiscing, and it hurts knowing you won't have that with this person anymore.
Emotional Investment and Attachment
If you two were truly good friends, you were invested in her life and well-being, and it can feel like you’re missing out when you no longer have the access that you used to.
When they've gone through the ups and downs of life, you were there feeling things with her, empathizing and providing support because you cared about her.
You had a vested interest in their success and happiness and you don't just turn that off because you're no longer engaging in a friendship.
Weak Bond Realized
It's disappointing to realize that you either had a crack in the foundation of your friendship or that it was never strong to begin with.
The hope was always that you'd be able to work through any issues you may have had with this friend, or that nothing would ever break your bond and it did.
It's devastating because you're left questioning the authenticity of the friendship.
Feelings of Rejection and Abandonment
Any kind of breakup can leave you feeling somewhat unlovable.
The friendship breakup can make you feel like there is something wrong with you, or like you're not worth doing the work for to save the relationship.
It hurts on a deeper level because you thought you all would be connected for life and now it feels like they gave up on you.
Change in Your Routine
When you've known somebody for a long time, it's natural for them to be a part of your day-to-day routine.
Little things like calling them every day on your morning commute or texting them your outfit to get their approval are no longer part of your life, and it sucks.
That friend has been so engrained into your life that the impact of their absence is felt deeply.
Lost Support
This person may have been your sounding board, a shoulder to lean on, a personal cheerleader, someone who was truly in your corner, and now they aren’t.
It's not that you don't have support from other people in your life, but how they gave it to you had a different impact.
Their methods of support were unique to who they were, and it resonated with you in a significant way, and now it’s no longer available to you.
Loneliness
This person was your companion and you genuinely enjoyed the conversations you shared and the memories you’ve made.
There is now a void in your life that may leave you wondering who will you do things with or talk to now.
And it can be scary to think that you won't ever find that again, but spoiler alert: you will.
The reality is that the foundation of a good friendship is love, and loving wholeheartedly is risky business because there is a vulnerability in allowing someone in so intimately.
But even with a loss, nothing is wasted, and all things work together for your good (Romans 8:28).
Appreciate the beautiful experiences and life lessons that come from a friendship, even one that ended.
Have you ever experienced a friendship breakup? What was that like for you? Feel free to share in the comments!
