THE LOW MAINTENANCE FRIEND: THE GOOD, THE MISCONSTRUED, AND THE REAL
In the last couple of years, you’ve probably seen some variation of this quote above.
The topic of being a “low maintenance” friend has become incredibly trendy on social media with tons of women giving their perspective and admitting it’s their preferred type of friendship as adults.
But what the heck was a low maintenance friendship?!?!
I can admit when I first heard the term, I thought they were referring to friends who had inexpensive taste or didn’t take long to get ready, but I was totally off.
Turns out, what they were referring to was the amount of effort they deemed reasonable to maintain a friendship.
The topic immediately intrigued me because you know, an intentional friendship is all about effort.
But it birthed the question, can I be a low-maintenance friend and an intentional friend? And the answer is absolutely, yes!
This blog post explores the concept of low maintenance friendships and provides insight into how in fact, you can be an intentional low maintenance friend.
FWI Note: Low Maintenance Friends/ Friendships may be abbreviated as “LMF” throughout the blog post.
What is a Low Maintenance Friendship?
By definition, low maintenance means “requiring little care or upkeep.”
By that description, a low maintenance friendship would then be one where you don’t have to do a lot to maintain it.
Here's how people online describe low-maintenance friendships:
Friendships where you don’t need to hang out with each other all of the time.
Friendships where you don’t have to attend every event a friend has.
Friendships where you don’t have to talk to each other every day.
Friendships where we can support each other from afar.
Friendships where we show up for one another during critical times.
There is this seemingly “effortless” bond that makes these low maintenance friendships attractive.
Low maintenance friendships have also become popular because many women have found themselves with friends who have:
Made them feel guilty for not showing up at an important event in their life.
Assumed they were acting funny because they were distant.
Expected/desired more frequent communication.
The friends on the receiving end of these comments end up feeling like the friendship is too high maintenance or draining for them.
In these cases, the hope is that the two friends can have a healthy conversation about these concerns instead of instantly cutting each other off, but that’s not always the case.
To avoid this unfortunate scenario, keep reading to learn how to be an intentional friend while maintaining a low maintenance friendship.
What People Love About Low Maintenance Friendships
1| They feel understood.
People appreciate the friends who know that sometimes life be life-ing, and that they have other responsibilities and priorities that come first.
It feels good to have friends who understand the juggling act of adulthood including (but not limited to) working, taking care of a home, taking care of kids, pets, and even parents, while also trying to take care of themselves (and not lose their mind!).
It’s also freeing to have friends who don’t make each other feel guilty for trying to manage these day-to-day responsibilities as best as they can.
2| They love the flexibility.
People appreciate friends who aren’t so stubborn that they can’t pivot and change plans when necessary (and without throwing a fit!).
The friends who don’t get upset about last-minute cancellations or minor inconveniences. They get that sometimes life throws us curveballs and things don’t always go according to plan.
They cherish the LMF who rolls with the punches and knows how to adapt.
3| They don’t have to be on the defense all the time.
People appreciate friends who don’t take everything personally.
They love having friends who know that a missed birthday dinner or a late birthday text doesn't mean a lack of love.
It means a lot to people to have friends who believe in their character and know they wouldn't intentionally hurt them.
4| They feel secure in their friendships.
People appreciate the friendships that have a solid foundation.
Because they’ve built a solid foundation of love, it allows them to weather any misunderstandings or periods of less frequent communication.
Both friends trust each other and would handle challenges to their friendship with grace, empathy, and respect before assuming the worst or causing severe harm to the friendship.
They feel secure knowing that their friendships are strong and cannot easily be broken.
5| They love the reliability.
People appreciate knowing that they always have a friend in their corner, or one who is just a phone call away who will be there for them when they are needed.
They feel secure knowing that they'll never face life's challenges alone, with a friend always ready to step up when needed.
The LMF provides a safety net when people really need it the most.
The Downside of Low Maintenance Friendships
While low maintenance friendships sound like a dream, the problem is that society has misconstrued and misused the term to mean no effort or very little intentionality.
When going about low maintenance friendships incorrectly, people risk doing irreparable damage to the relationship and missing out on a good friend.
1| LMF can create disconnection amongst friends.
Let’s say that you have a friend who has been MIA for half of the year with little to no communication.
During that time, you've both likely had significant experiences, good or bad, that you didn’t share with each other.
When you two finally do connect, so much has transpired over time that you either can’t remember or don’t even feel like going into details of those life events.
The truth is that it can be disappointing when your friend isn't there for moments that were important to you, but also small moments when it would have been nice to have their presence.
Then you feel like you’re sitting across from a stranger, and it can be awkward trying to reconnect.
The whole notion of “We can go months, even years without hanging out and still pick up where we left off” is #FAKENEWS…or at the very least, misleading.
The love and chemistry may still be there to WANT to catch up, but when a lot of time has passed you’re probably not picking up where you left off, instead, you end up starting where you are.
2| LMF can cause mistrust amongst friends.
The problem with having minimal contact with your LMF is that it can make you unsure as to whether or not you can rely on them.
Because you aren’t aware of what’s going on in your friend’s life, you can’t trust that they will be there for you when you need them.
Or worse, you may fear rejection, thinking that if you do reach out you will be ignored or met with indifference.
The idea behind low maintenance friendships is that these friends promise to be there when needed.
But what happens if they can no longer fulfill that promise, and you have no idea because you haven't communicated in such a long time?
3| LMF can create a lack of accountability.
People feel entitled to their friendships but don’t feel responsible for ensuring the health and growth of said friendships.
They believe their friendships should maintain themselves and that connection will happen organically.
Maybe that worked when we were in elementary school, but that mindset isn’t going to cut it as an adult.
Like a garden, if you want it to flourish and thrive, you must tend to it with care, compassion, and love, or else you will end up with dead grass and weeds.
This lack of accountability to the friendship also lends to taking your friends for granted, making assumptions that they will always be there no matter how much you don’t do, and that is just not true.
If you choose to be in a friendship with someone, be a friend.
4| LMF can create a one-sided friendship.
A one-sided friendship is created when one friend is always initiating a connection with the other, and their efforts are not being reciprocated.
The onus always being on one person to ensure the relationship stays afloat is frustrating, and these imbalanced friendships can breed resentment and make people feel used.
This disconnect often leads to people ghosting their friendships instead of having an honest conversation about the behavior.
While I’m not a fan of ghosting, I understand that when people feel unseen and unheard by their friends, they lose the motivation to invest further or offer the benefit of the doubt.
5| LMF can increase loneliness.
The idea of only doing the minimum in your friendships and still expecting to feel the benefits of healthy friendships is absurd.
Having fulfilling friendships aids the discomfort that comes from being alone.
That social connection helps to reduce stress and increase happiness, and that interaction with friends is different than other people in your life.
Your friends have a unique ability to see your experiences through a similar lens. Their lives often mirror or run parallel to yours, creating a deep understanding that even family members may not share.
In these low maintenance friendships, you can sometimes rob yourself of that level of connection and it can feel as if you don’t have friends at all.
While isolation can have it’s benefits, and I’m an advocate for spending time alone, it’s not healthy for extended periods of time. We were not created to live life alone.
How to Be an Intentional And Low Maintenance Friend
Now that we’ve looked at the good and the misconstrued, let’s get to the real, and that’s how to be an intentional friend while still maintaining a low maintenance friendship.
1| Communicate
Be honest about what you need in your friendships.
Tell your friend you’d like to do a catch-up call once a month.
Tell your friend you’d like to meet for dinner once a quarter.
Tell your friend that sometimes you just need their presence in whatever way you can get it.
Then listen to their needs and come to a compromise as to what would work for you both.
Stop being embarrassed about wanting/needing to connect with your friends. Friendships are relationships, it’s not weird to have expectations.
2| Respect Each Other’s Season of Life
There are going to be times in each of your lives when your capacity to show up for one another the way you would like to is not possible, and real friends understand that.
It’s important that no one takes it personally and that each friend is met with empathy and compassion.
Here’s what you can do for those friends:
Ask how you can support them as they navigate a challenging season of their life.
Send them encouraging words and messages letting them know you’re thinking of them.
Invite them to outings, but don’t get upset if they choose not to attend.
Some people will disagree with me on this but for the friend going through that challenging season, you need to communicate (just a little bit).
Your friends truly care about you and want to know how they can best support you.
They will notice your distance and be concerned. Real friends won’t make you feel guilty about it, but they want to ensure that you’re okay.
Easy text messages you could send to put your friend’s minds at ease:
Hey girl, I know I’ve been MIA but I am going through some things. I don’t want you to worry, and I promise to reach out to you when I’m feeling a little better.
Hey girl, the next couple of months are going to be a bit crazy for me so you may hear from me a little less, but I promise to check in every so often.
Hey friends, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with life and I just need some alone time. I wanted to give you all a heads-up as to why I won’t really be in the group chat.
Hey y’all. My social battery is on empty, I’m going to take some time to myself to recharge.
Some people will argue that “they don’t have to explain themselves to their friends,” and no, you don’t.
But when you love the people you’re in a friendship with, you don’t see it as explaining yourself, you see it as healthy communication.
Real World Example
One friend taught me the emoji check-in system. If I didn’t hear from her for a long period of time, I could ask her to send me the emoji that represented her well-being; that would give me comfort in knowing how she was doing.
3| Make Efforts, Not Excuses
Anything that you want to work or grow takes effort! That’s the bottom line.
Everybody is booked & busy, and the phrase “people make time for what they want” is the truth.
No, you don’t have to talk to your friend every day, but can you do a monthly check-in with her?
No, you don’t have to show up to every important event. But can you send a congratulatory text message? Can you email an e-gift card? Can you write a heartfelt social media post?
No, you don’t have to hang out every day, but can you link schedules and plan to get together twice a year?
I know I’m killing y’all with these popular quotes, but here’s one more: “Where there’s a will, there’s a way!”
4| Love Your Friend in HER Love Language (when you can)
With many low maintenance friendships, people find themselves doing the best they can, and that’s all one can ask for. But every now and then I challenge you to love your friend in her love language.
Here’s what I mean:
Your friend prefers quality time.
She loves it when you two can get together and go shopping, go to brunch, and lounge around a pool reading a book.
But let’s say you live 5 hours away and hanging out like that all the time is no longer your reality.
In the meantime, when she goes shopping, you tell her to FaceTime you so you can see what she tries on, you sit on the phone and try a new brunch recipe together, or read a book at the same time while lounging around in your respective areas.
These are all great examples of being intentional and doing the best you can within your capacity.
But every now and then, take some time and figure out if there is a way that you could surprise her with a visit and do all of those things in person.
Maybe it could only be done for her birthday or over a long holiday weekend, but the point is you’re willing to go the extra mile in your friendships.
Real World Example
I had a friend who loved sitting on Facetime for hours, while I preferred to talk over text messages. Every so often I would initiate a Facetime call and it always made her so happy.
5| Give Yourself the Gift of Friendship
Sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives that we see friendships as a chore instead of as an asset.
It’s not that your friends have done anything that made you feel like it was a chore, but your to-do list has gotten so long that you inadvertently put your friendships on it, making you anxious about them instead of excited.
But when you change the lens through which you’re viewing your friendships and remind yourself of the joys of having friends, it becomes easier to want to show up for them.
Life is richer with laughter, deep conversations with people who understand you, and love that comes from those who truly appreciate you.
Don’t allow the burnout of everyday living and astronomical productivity goals to keep you from experiencing the beauty of friendship.
When you reflect on how much value your friends add to your life, you will naturally want to keep adding value to theirs.
Even if it’s not at the level of frequency that you all wish you could do for one another, it’s at a level of intentionality that is appreciated.
The Low Maintenance Friendship will probably always be a debate topic because everyone views them differently, but what’s not up for debate is the importance of intentionality in your friendships.
Your presence and efforts are valued by your friends and vice versa, so be the friend you’d like to have.
What do low maintenance friendships look like to you? Share your thoughts below!
