THE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ACQUAINTANCES AND FRIENDS
I don’t know about you, but a pet peeve for me is a person calling someone a friend when they are not.
It’s an ick for me!
While some people might argue that it’s not that serious, I believe it is, and here’s why: words have meaning.
When you place a title on someone or something, you are assigning its value. If that were not true, then people would not care about professional titles, relationship titles, or even their pronouns.
While some people might place less importance on the things mentioned above, they still mean something to them, because it often dictates how they show up in the world and how they interact with others.
So, calling a friend an acquaintance, or an acquaintance a friend, affects the way you both maneuver in the relationship, and can cause unwarranted harm.
Worse than carelessly using the wrong title, is treating one as the other and giving more or less than the person deserves.
When we make the mistake of mixing up a friend and an acquaintance, we create unrealistic and misplaced expectations.
The bar gets set too high for someone who is an acquaintance, or we inadvertently diminish a good friendship.
This blog post explores the differences between an acquaintance and a friend and the implications of mixing up the two.
What is an Acquaintance?
My loose definition of an acquaintance is simply someone that you know. A person who you're in contact with that you like and don’t mind being around. Someone who you’re friendly with, but not quite friends.
Someone you are associated with due to proximity
Most acquaintance relationships are birthed from being near one another often.
These are people you might work with, or that you have a class with. People who go to the same church as you, or are part of the same organization as you.
While you may find yourself sharing the same space, It doesn't necessarily mean that you've been developing a friendship.
Someone you are associated with by mutual friends
There has probably been a time when one of your girls decided to give mixing friends a try and brought you around some of their other friends.
You may have found yourself at a game night or celebratory dinner, and had the opportunity to get to know some of these people and enjoyed their company.
While the hope is that you all will eventually be friends, it’s not instantaneous.
Someone you are associated with via social media
In this digital age that we live in, it's a very normal thing for people to make connections on social media platforms.
You may have added each other because you have mutual friends, you see that you have similar interests, or you simply enjoy each other's social media content.
It’s not weird to reach out to someone online (albeit a stranger) and start talking to them.
But it’s important to note that these are immediate connections, not friendships.
What is a Friend?
My loose definition of a friend is someone that you’ve built a bond with, someone you trust with your vulnerabilities, someone you choose to give your time and resources to, someone you are considerate of, someone that you purposely show up for and pour into, and someone you deeply care about.
You can see how much more is given to a friend than an acquaintance by my definition alone.
Someone you choose to love intentionally
An Intentional friend is someone you choose to invest in and love unconditionally.
Someone you continuously get to know and learn as time goes by, and encourage their growth through the seasons.
A person whose well-being and happiness that you genuinely care about.
Someone who you make an effort to show up for and support, making sure you are there in times of need, or in times of celebration.
This is a person you consistently connect with through communication and quality time, in an effort to stay close to one another.
Someone you share your life with and vice versa
A friend Is someone you can confide in and that you trust to share intimate parts of your life with, and they trust you all the same.
Someone you can talk to about your deepest thoughts or the random things that are going on in your day, and they listen because they care.
While there may be different levels of access a friend has with you, they still have more than an acquaintance.
Someone who adds purposeful value
A friend adds real value to your life, on purpose. If they can give something that will add to your elevation, they want to do so.
They want to be there for you, so they happily share their time, their resources, and their presence as they have the capacity to do so.
They want to see you succeed in whatever your heart desires, so they show up for you as either a cheerleader, a teacher, or a helper.
3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Treat an Acquaintance Like a Friend
It’s easier than you’d think to treat an acquaintance like a friend, because their convenient presence makes them feel closer to you than they really are.
But don’t let that mirage fool you, it would be unwise to give them friendship benefits before they are truly friends, and here’s why.
1| They don’t deserve that level of access to you
We all have moments of vulnerability, but when you give an acquaintance unearned access to you, you risk them handling you improperly because they don’t know what to do with it.
Example
You tell an acquaintance about infidelity in your relationship, and they start to judge you, your actions, and your partner's actions.
Now you’re upset because not only do they know something about you that’s personal, but they also made you feel worse.
A friend knows how to handle you with care and consideration because she knows how to comfort you, or at the very least, knows how not to hurt you.
2| They can have reckless influence over you
Everyone is responsible for themselves, I know that.
But it is a lie to think that if you spend a lot of time around someone, you don’t pick up something from them.
Something will rub off on you, and for an acquaintance who doesn’t know you so well, you run the risk of the wrong things influencing you.
Example
You started spending more time with an acquaintance that you like to go dancing with.
She likes to take a few shots to help loosen her up, and you’re not much of a drinker, but she encourages you to do the same.
A friend would know your boundaries with alcohol, and wouldn’t push you past your limits.
She knows your reasoning for not drinking and encourages you to make good decisions. An acquaintance might not care as much.
3| They haven’t earned your trust
When you’re on the acquaintance level with someone, you don’t know how much you can or cannot trust them.
People have different mindsets and what’s sacred to you, might not be sacred to them.
A friend would know what’s what and protect that which is important to you, while an acquaintance will not.
Example
You are planning to leave your job, and you tell your coworker who has been a friendly acquaintance to you.
During a team meeting at work, she mentions your upcoming departure in front of your boss.
Now you’re left in an uncomfortable position, and your coworker doesn’t think she did anything wrong.
3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Treat a Friend Like an Acquaintance
It sounds weird to even think about treating a friend like an acquaintance, but when we don’t make intentional efforts in how we handle our friends, we unintentionally mess up the friendships.
Here’s why you gotta be careful about getting too lax in how you show up for your girls.
1| You neglect the friendship
Your friends deserve your effort and your consideration.
When you treat them like an acquaintance, you don’t pour into them properly and can come off as if you don’t care.
It can make your friends question themselves or wonder if something has gone wrong in the friendship, or give off the perception that you all are not as close as it seemed.
It can be confusing and hurtful.
Example
You write “Happy Birthday” under your best friend’s social media post and nothing more, this can appear as a lack of interest in an important day in your friend’s life.
Your best friend deserves to be celebrated by you, whether it’s with something small like a card including a meaningful note, or big like a surprise dinner party.
Either way, there should be more effort from you!
2| You don’t support your friends properly
With an acquaintance, it’s okay to do the bare minimum because you don’t owe them anything.
You can appreciate and congratulate them on their successes, or provide sympathy for their losses, but how you do so doesn’t matter that much.
But with a friend, more consideration is expected in how you choose to be there for them.
When the support feels like it’s something you’re just checking off your to-do list instead of showing genuine concern, it’s disappointing and can make you appear as someone they cannot count on.
Example
If you find out on social media that your acquaintance is going through a breakup, you could reach out and send them some words of encouragement, but you don’t have to.
However, with a friend, it’s different.
You should be reaching out to them, asking if there is anything that they need, offering to be a sounding board, or simply being in their presence, whatever would help them through the difficult time.
3| You risk creating a disconnect with your friends
When you treat a friend like an acquaintance, you risk there being a drift in the friendship because there is less effort being made, less interaction, less sharing, and less involvement.
With a friend, you’re purposely finding ways to stay included in each other’s worlds and be there for one another, and when that stops, there is a disconnect.
Example
You got a promotion at work and didn’t mention it to your friends. It wouldn’t matter so much if you didn’t tell an acquaintance because they aren’t so invested in your life.
However, not telling a friend is choosing to not share a part of your life that they would love to celebrate because they care about you.
Because we have these predetermined thoughts, ideas, and expectations, of what an acquaintance is and what a friend should be, when we use these words interchangeably, we risk being hurt, disappointed, and resentful.
Have you ever inadvertently given someone the friend title that was more of an acquaintance? Feel free to share in the comments below.
