HOW TO NAVIGATE FRIENDSHIPS WITH MOMS WHEN YOU’RE CHILD-FREE
In the spirit of Mother’s Day this month, I’ve reflected on my experiences with my friends who have kids.
This topic resonates deeply with me because I've learned a lot from past situations where I could have been a better friend to my friends during their motherhood journey.
The beauty of life is that now I can take those lessons and help someone else avoid the mistakes that I’ve made.
So, here’s the truth: motherhood changes friendships. Not necessarily for the worse or the better, but still, it changes.
As the friend with a child, your needs in a friendship have altered, and the same goes for the friend without a child, and guess what? Both friends’ needs are important.
A different level is unlocked in the friendship when one friend becomes a mother. It challenges both people to navigate this new space with even more grace, understanding, and intentionality.
This blog post offers advice on how child-free individuals can be supportive friends to their besties who are moms, as well as tips for moms on being good friends to their child-free besties.
FWI Note: While the title of this blog focuses on the child-free friend, I bet there are tips in here that could be just as beneficial when both friends are mothers. ☺️
FWI Disclaimer: For convenience, I may reference the friends with children as “mom friends,” but I know women who are mothers are so much more!
How to Support Your Pregnant Friends
Before we dive into how to support your friends who already have kids, I want to take a moment to give insight into how you can be there for your friends who are currently expecting.
This is what I can speak to the most. During a time when I was laser-focused on my education and career, I fell short in supporting my pregnant friends.
I was clueless about their experiences and didn't take the initiative to learn more. I missed out on the opportunity to connect on a deeper level with them during a special time in their lives.
If you have a pregnant friend, it can be an exciting but overwhelming time in her life.
Whether it’s her first or fifth child, life is getting ready to be flipped upside down with the body changes, never-ending to-do lists, and an influx of emotions.
This is a great opportunity for you to be there for her, and it’s possible to do so whether you live down the street or in a different country.
Check out some ways you can support your pregnant friends below:
Offer a safe space for all of her feelings and anxieties
Help get the baby room together (or create a Pinterest board with her to funnel ideas)
Take walks together (or talk on the phone while walking)
Run errands for her (or see if she would be open to you sending a task rabbit)
Meal prep a few dishes for her (or get some of her favorite meals delivered)
Assist her with planning a baby moon
Help her put together her maternity bag (or create the maternity bag list)
Organize a baby shower (or join her baby shower committee)
Check in with her often and see how she’s doing and feeling
Send her affirmations that she will be an amazing mother
Do something within your capacity to be present at such an important time in your friend’s life.
10 Ways to Navigate Friendships with Your Mom Friends
1| Don’t leave them out of activities.
Just because your friends have kids doesn’t mean that they don’t want to hang out with you anymore.
A child didn’t take away their desire to have fun. Their interests may have altered a bit, but it didn’t rob them of enjoying a nice outing.
Quit assuming and ask. They could say no, but so could your other child-free friends, and you still ask them, right?
So extend that same courtesy to your besties with babies.
2| Plan activities in advance.
Now, if you want a higher probability of your mom friends being able to hang out with you, it would be a good idea to plan outings well in advance.
This gives your friend ample time to review her schedule and make the necessary accommodations to participate.
Even if you don’t have a specific activity to do but would like to spend time together, syncing calendars would be a great way to block out time for one another.
3| Hang out in kid-friendly environments.
Listen, your friend might be in a season of her life where the only way she can hang out is if her child comes too, and you have to meet your friend where she’s at.
It’s not a forever thing, and being flexible shows how much you value your friendship and love your friend.
Find things to do and places to go that allow children and provide an atmosphere where you and your friend can spend time together.
Here are some ideas of things to do in kid-friendly settings:
Play games at her house
Go to restaurants with a play area
Go to the zoo or an aquarium
Picnic at a park
Grab ice cream instead of drinks
Invite her over for a BBQ at your place
Try virtual hangouts
4| Engage in conversations about their little one.
Sometimes child-free individuals avoid talking about their friends’ kids because they feel like they either can’t relate or don’t want to say the wrong thing.
But are you a human being who was once a child?
Yes? Okay cool, so you can definitely find an angle to broach a conversation.
Just as you would be curious about your friend’s favorite hobbies, you should also take an interest in their little ones who mean the world to them.
Here are some topics you can discuss with your friends about their child:
Ask about how their kid’s schooling is going
Ask about their kid’s extra-curricular activities
Ask about their kid’s favorites (colors, foods, activities, etc.)
Ask about their kid’s “firsts” (first word, first step, first time losing a tooth, etc.)
Ask about how your friend believes their child resembles them compared to the other parent
You could literally ask about anything, and I bet your friend would appreciate it.
5| Offer to help out with their kids.
Your mommy friends can sometimes be exhausted and in desperate need of a break or some respite.
While you can’t help with everything you can assist with something, and these small acts of kindness mean more than you could ever imagine.
Check out some ideas on how to help your mommy friends below:
Babysit
Assist with drop-offs and pickups
Cook a meal for the whole family
Take the kids to an outing (arcade, trampoline park, museum, etc.)
Read a book or play a game with the kids while she takes a nap
6| Attend their kid’s events.
This is a great way to support your friends by being there for important milestones in their kid’s lives.
These events are memorialized in your friend’s hearts, and they will never forget your presence during such a special time.
It shows that what’s important to your friends is important to you too.
Here are examples of kid events you could attend (and it’s not weird):
Gender reveals
Baby showers
Birthdays
Recitals
Send-offs to dances
Graduations
Accomplishment-celebrating parties
7| Understand your parent friends have different priorities.
Life alters for your friends when they become parents, as they are now responsible for raising this little human with extensive needs, who requires much attention and love.
Being a good parent will always take precedence in their lives over spending time with friends.
It’s not that they no longer value your friendship, but their focus has rightfully shifted.
This means you should understand that sometimes:
Text message responses may be delayed
Calls may be returned late
They can’t attend every outing or may have to cancel last minute
They may ask if the kids can tag along to events that are not considered “adult-only”
They may have to leave an event early
Your friend’s energy tank may be depleted
Here’s the thing: you know that your friend loves you and is doing her best; have grace and empathy for her as a mother.
8| If you are someone TTC or struggling with fertility, be mindful of your triggers.
Some women are child-free by choice, but others are not, and having friends around you who are pregnant or already have kids can be triggering.
It doesn’t mean that you are a jealous and horrible person, it means you are going through your own set of challenges, and you need to communicate that with your friends.
While you don’t want your struggles to interfere with your being a good friend, you still need to make adjustments that will protect your mental and emotional well-being.
Maybe decorating a baby shower is emotionally taxing, but you feel comfortable making the flyers - do that instead.
Maybe it’s hard to attend their child’s birthday party where a lot of kids will be in attendance, you could opt for sending a gift.
Maybe some days you’re feeling more sensitive about your baby-journey, tell your friends before conversing with them and allow them to take caution with discussing their children.
There is so much more to your friendship than parenthood, it would be nothing for them to talk about something else, but they won’t know that if you aren’t open with them.
Trust me, I understand that it’s a sucky position to be in, but who else can you be vulnerable with if not with your friends?
They love you and they don’t want you to be uncomfortable either.
9| Admit what you don’t know about motherhood and take the initiative to learn.
The reality is that your friend is experiencing something that you have not, so you won’t always know the right questions to ask or things to say, but express that.
Here’s an example:
“Hey girl, I have no idea how you’re feeling right now about your experiences with a two-year-old, but I care. So, what are some of your favorite moments about this time in your child’s life and/or what are some of your challenges?”
Then let them tell you and ask follow-up questions, or research stuff on your own based on their answers.
The same way you could look up stuff about a friend’s new hobby is the same way you could look up stuff about parenting.
When you never acknowledge your friend’s motherhood, it could make them feel like you don’t care, and that can be incredibly hurtful.
10| Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be the perfect child-free friend.
In tip #9, we discuss the importance of taking the initiative to support your friend as a mother, but don’t overexert yourself either.
You don’t have to attend every event for their child, lavish their babies with gifts, shout out their kid’s birthdays on social media, or anything like that to “prove” that you care.
In the same way that you make an effort to show up in your friendships, simply find a way to honor the motherhood aspect of your friend’s life as well.
You don’t have to do the most, you just have to be genuine.
Advice To Moms with Child-Free Friends
Make time when you can. At different stages of your kid’s life, it’s totally understandable that your time is extremely limited, and your friends get that.
But if you can find 30 minutes for a catch-up call once a month or show your face at a birthday dinner, those efforts are appreciated.
Acknowledge what’s going on in your friend’s lives is important too. They didn’t birth a baby, but maybe they birthed a dream, got a promotion, started dating someone new, or even got 100 followers as a content creator.
Whatever it is, it matters to them and should be treated with equal respect and love.
Find a balance in the topics you discuss with your besties. Your friends love how good of a mom you are and how much your kids mean to you, but they also love the other parts of you that make your friendship dynamic and layered.
If you used to love talking about new fashion trends or celebrity news, you can still talk about those things and topics relating to your children.
They know that you’re not this OR that, you’re this AND that—a kickass mama and unique human being with multiple interests.
Don’t be so quick to shut down parenting advice from your friends. While your child-free friend can’t tell you about her experiences with different baby formulas, she could have gained knowledge from other credible sources.
She may have done some online research about a parenting topic, or she could be a Godmother, auntie, or even a teacher, and have valuable advice to offer.
The fact that your friend wants to provide you with helpful information shows that she cares about you, your children, and your experiences as a mother.
A Takeaway for the child-free friend: She’s a “mom,” but that doesn’t make her the “mom friend” only. She is still your friend with many beautiful aspects about her and her life, and one of them happens to be that she is an amazing mother.
A Takeaway for the friend with a child: She’s not a mother, but that doesn’t make her incapable of being the friend that you need. Just because she can’t relate to your motherhood experience, doesn’t mean she can’t add value to your life.
Both friends are worthy of a loving, intentional friendship.
What are your thoughts on this topic? I’d love to read about your personal experiences and advice below!
