FRIENDSHIP RECONCILIATION PART 1: SHOULD I MAKE UP WITH AN EX-FRIEND?
Have you ever had a falling out with a friend and struggled with letting go of the friendship?
Yes, there are times when something devastating happens and a friendship breakup is needed, but then there are other times when you may ask yourself, is there something here worth saving?
First, I want you to know that it’s okay to feel this way.
Sometimes outsiders are aware of your fallout and will judge you for even considering fixing that friendship, but nobody knows the impact that friend had on your life like you do, so don’t feel guilty for wanting to explore a reconciliation.
Second, I want you to know that taking time to thoroughly assess rekindling a friendship is not weird.
For too long you may have overlooked a friend’s behaviors and patterns in the name of love and loyalty, but in doing so you’ve been burned in the process.
So, taking time to evaluate whether or not you want to allow someone in your space again is an act of self-love. And I love friendships, but I want you to love yourself more.
This blog post is here to help you navigate making that decision. Using these 10 reflective questions will help you to dig deep and be honest with yourself about reconciling a friendship.
Should You Reconcile With An Old Friend?
1| What caused the friendship breakup? And are those issues still there?
Why did the friendship end?
Did someone betray the other? Was there a big fight? Was there a lack of reciprocation? What’s the first thought that comes to mind when you ask yourself this question?
Now that you got that answer, let’s dig deeper.
That first answer you came up with is the surface-level reason, but what you really need is what’s underneath it.
For example, let’s say you think your friendship ended because one person moved away, and a long-distance friendship was difficult to maintain.
Why was it difficult?
Was it an out-of-sight, out-of-mind mentality? Did someone feel lonely because they didn’t have a friend to hang out with in person? Did either of you not want to put forth the extra effort it took to schedule calls or visits?
Learning the root cause of an issue will help better analyze the real reason your friendship ended, allowing you to determine if it’s a problem that you both can solve effectively or not.
Using our long-distance friendship example, if one friend hates talking on the phone and doesn’t want to call you, would it make sense to reconcile with this person?
2| How much damage was done by the friendship breakup?
When your friendship ended, what did the fallout and the aftermath look like? Here are a few things to consider when assessing the friendship damage.
Were other people included?
Let’s say you guys took your drama to social media and aired out your grievances. Or maybe you told loved ones about the dirty details of the disagreement.
Now these outsiders have thoughts and opinions that can make reconciling a bit more challenging. Involving other people in your friendship challenges can bring on feelings of betrayal, embarrassment, and disappointment.
It already sucks to get into it with a friend, but allowing other people to have input can be hurtful and uncomfortable.
Were spiteful words exchanged?
Sticks and stones can break your bones, and guess what? Words can hurt you.
In the heat of the moment, people tend to say things they do and don’t mean without putting it through the filter of love.
It can be difficult for someone to act as though those words were never said or believe they weren’t truly meant, thus creating mistrust in the relationship.
Were hurtful actions taken?
If either of you did something harmful to the other, like if there was a physical assault or sabotaging someone’s business, there could be no coming back from those actions.
Just like with words, people don’t easily forgive or forget what you did to them.
If someone was physically hurt, publicly humiliated, or treated like trash, that person may have no desire to rekindle a friendship.
3| Have the responsible parties taken accountability for their role in the friendship breakup?
Unless one person commits a severe betrayal, both parties usually share some responsibility for the end of a friendship.
Accountability needs to be taken, and that looks like being transparent and owning up to one’s missteps, which then allows for an honest path forward.
And before you think nothing is your fault, ask yourself was there anything you could have done or said differently that could have prevented this friendship from breaking up?
For example, if you ended your friendship because you felt like you were the only one initiating plans, did you ever communicate that? Or did you resort to passive-aggressive behavior? Could you have communicated your needs more effectively?
I’m not telling you to go make up some reason to be wrong, but make sure you’re being honest with yourself about the things you did or didn’t do that could have led to the friendship breakup.
4| Have genuine apologies been made?
At our big age, I think we all know that “I’m sorry if you felt some type of way,” is NOT a genuine apology. It’s dismissive and lacks accountability.
Even though the friendship ended, that doesn’t mean neither of you deserved an apology. Some actions or inactions caused one, or both of you, to have hurt feelings.
And here’s something to remember about apologizing: it’s not about you!
Whether you agree or not with why your friend was hurt doesn’t negate the fact that they were hurt. It doesn’t matter if it was intentional or not, it happened, so apologize for it.
Unless it has gotten to a point where you feel “hate” for one another (in which case, you probably shouldn’t be considering rekindling a friendship), then you need to get off your high horse and say you’re sorry.
5| What has changed? Is there evidence of new behavior?
After accountability has been taken and apologies have been made, has there been a change in the behaviors and attitudes that caused the rift in the friendship in the first place?
For example, if your friendship ended because you outgrew certain activities (like smoking), does that friend still smoke? It’s not a question to judge them, but to assess whether or not it makes sense to reconcile the friendship.
You won’t always be able to determine this without re-engaging in the friendship, but there are some clear-cut cases.
Real-Life Experience
I once ended a friendship because I didn’t like how this person treated other people. Even after I stopped hanging out with her, I could see that she was still causing harm to others.
That was an observation that I was able to make from afar and discern that I made the right decision to remove myself from that relationship.
6| Do you genuinely want to rekindle this friendship or are you scared to lose access to that friend?
It can be hard to let go of someone who added a lot of love and value to your life.
You may have appreciated the unique ways that friend has supported you, comforted you, or even made you laugh, and giving it up is not as easy as it seems.
But something did happen that brought you to the point of walking away from the friendship, so you need to ask yourself, do you want them back in your life or what they gave to you?
7| Do both people want to make up?
While it’s great that you are considering mending a friendship, you aren’t the only person whose feelings matter.
While you may think whatever you two went through wasn’t a big deal, that doesn’t mean the other friend feels the same way.
By the time you realize that you want to fix what’s been broken, the other person may have already healed and moved on. They may not want to reopen old wounds and hash things out.
While it sucks because you want to make things right, you have to respect it if the other person doesn’t want to.
It doesn’t make them better than you, and it also doesn’t make them wrong for not wanting to, it’s simply an indication that this is not the season for rekindling, or that the chapter is truly over.
8| Can you see yourself forgiving this friend?
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you lose your memory and you’re able to move on like nothing has ever happened.
Instead, forgiveness is acknowledging the harm that’s been done, and choosing to let go of the resentment or negative feelings you have toward that friend.
You would be choosing to not hold a grudge and throw it in their face whenever you felt like it.
You would be choosing not to give that painful moment power over your friendship.
You would be choosing to believe that they are sorry and genuinely never wanted to hurt you.
So ask yourself, could you really be in a healthy friendship with this person without being triggered?
9| Would rekindling this friendship affect other important relationships in your life?
I know I said in the beginning that your decision to fix a friendship is yours, and it is, but understand that your decision can also impact other relationships that matter to you.
For example, let’s say you told your sister how this friend was gossiping about you behind your back.
Your friend may have taken accountability, apologized, and rebuilt trust with you, but your sister may still be skeptical because she loves you. Tension between your sister and your friend could bring unnecessary drama into your life.
I’m not saying that other people’s feelings should dictate your decision to restore a friendship, but it’s something to think about when it comes to keeping the peace in your life.
10| When you think about rekindling this friendship, how does it make you feel?
If that friend’s name were to pop up on your phone right now, would you feel anxious or excited? Would you be triggered or happy they were reaching out?
I pay attention to those feelings because I’m a Christian and believe in the Holy Spirit.
But even if you’re not a person of faith, you can’t deny that those feelings are telling you something. Our body does a fantastic job at using responses to indicate how we truly feel about something.
Don’t ignore those feelings.
If your stomach starts to hurt or you get a headache at the thought of opening that can of worms, you should take those feelings seriously.
Is It Okay to Not Want to Reconcile With An Ex-Friend?
Yes! You can have love for a friend and even miss them, but no longer have the desire to do life with them.
Sometimes you just don’t want to do the work of rekindling. Especially when it’s been a while and details can get messy and forgotten.
Or you two may have evolved into different people with different friendship needs that neither of you have the capacity to meet anymore.
And guess what? That’s okay.
You both deserve people who will pour into your friendship with love and intentionality.
Not every friendship is meant to be reconciled, but not every friendship is meant to be thrown away either.
Use discernment as you decide whether a friendship is worth keeping or letting go, and trust that what’s meant to be, will be!
What are your thoughts on reconciling with an old friend? I’d love for you to share in the comments!
