Have you ever had a “friend” say or do something that made you feel weird?

Maybe she made you feel a little uncomfortable or even confused, like why would she do or say that? Isn’t she my friend?

Well, that’s the question we’re going to explore today, is that girl really your friend?

Your heart wants to believe that she is because you guys have history, or she’s been there for you during the toughest moments of your life, or you just really like her.

But as time passes people change, and unfortunately it’s not always for the better.

Sometimes a friend can turn into a version of herself that you no longer know, and how she treats you has also taken a turn for the worse.

It’s easy to overlook these friendship red flags and toxic behaviors because you don’t want to believe that someone you love, no longer has love for you.

But in a world filled with fake friends and toxic friendship behaviors, it’s time to put on our big-girl pants and call it how we see it, sometimes these people are just not our friends.

This blog post will help you identify whether or not you have a true friend or a frenemy.

8 Ways to Identify a Fake Friend

1| She makes jokes at your expense and embarrasses you in front of others

This has been such a hot topic lately because people are starting to realize that their friend’s “just kidding” or “no shade” comments are in reality her not kidding, and being completely shady.

She is sharing how she truly feels about you under the guise of it being “just jokes,” and you need to pay attention.

A fake friend will make underhanded comments or give backhanded compliments about your looks, your job, your shortcomings, your living situation, etc.

It’s worse when this type of “friend” knows your insecurities and takes jabs exactly where she knows you hurt; that is not okay.

Your friends should want you to feel good about yourself and uplift you, not make you feel uncomfortable.

Then to make these shady comments in front of others is another gut punch because she is trying to embarrass you and make others see you as she does.

Don’t walk, run away from these types of people.

A person who thinks it’s cool to make fun of you is showing you that she is not your friend.

Question For Your Reflection: Has a “friend” ever made a joke or comment about you that made you feel bad?

2| She never invites you out and purposely excludes you

This is the “friend” who is always hanging out with her other friends but never inviting you, or worse, intentionally excluding you.

Does she have to invite you to everything? Absolutely not.

But never inviting you out is very weird behavior.

Her always overlooking your name on the guest list for birthday parties, girls trips, milestone celebrations, and weekend outings is not a coincidence.

She does not like to hang out with you.

Stop trying to be around someone who is subtly telling you that she doesn’t like being around you.

Worse than this is noticing that she does invite you out, but it’s only when it’s celebrating her wins or something that requires a gift.

It’s selfish behavior and a clear indication that she is not your friend.

Question For Your Reflection: Do you have a “friend” who only invites you to hang out with strings attached?

3| She only calls when something is wrong

This is a person that you don’t ever really hear from unless there is a problem that she either wants to emotionally dump on you or expects you to fix.

Let’s be clear, of course friends vent to each other about the ups and downs of life and are there for one another, that’s normal.

But when every call is filled with drama or issues, that person needs a therapist, not a friend.

This behavior can be draining and take a toll on you mentally and emotionally because you care about your friend’s well-being, and you don’t like to see her upset.

But here’s a truth I hope sets you free: her happiness is not your responsibility.

Another issue that you shouldn’t overlook is that when you need a friend, she is nowhere to be found. She is unavailable to you and your needs.

If she ignores your calls, leaves your text messages on read, and acts like you don’t even exist, that girl is using you and she is not your friend.

Question For Your Reflection: Do you feel anxiety when you see your “friend’s” name come across your phone?

4| She doesn’t take an interest in you or your life

Sign #3 is about how that non-friend only calls you with a problem, but sign #4 is how that girl will call you to talk, but she has not a single interest in you.

Every topic of her conversation is centered around her, her life, her well-being, her highs, her lows, her everything!

And if you even try to change the topic to something about you, she will find a way to revert the conversation to being about her.

Instead of focusing on listening to and learning about you, her mind is preoccupied with trying to find a personal story that she can bring up.

Don’t get me wrong, people often draw from their own experiences, especially if they've been through something similar to you to show empathy.

But when it happens every time you speak, it becomes self-centered.

Not only does she not listen when you talk, but she also never asks you questions about you, your life, your well-being, your highs or lows, and that’s because she does not care and that girl is not your friend.

Question For Your Reflection: When you talk to a certain “friend” does she ask about what’s going on in your life? When you talk, does she pay attention?

5| She’s too invested in your downfalls and unhappiness

This is a “friend” who does listen to what you have going on in your life (see sign #4), but she only gives energy to the negative things that are happening to you.

She wants to hear all of your dirt, all of your tea, and all of the things that hurt your feelings, and it’s for one of two reasons:

She has a savior complex
Your losses make her feel good about herself

First, let’s talk about the savior complex. You “needing” her advice or insight makes her feel validated; it makes her feel important and like you wouldn’t have known what to do without her.

She wants credit and to prove that she is a “good friend” by offering help only when you’re down and out. She’s more focused on being the hero in your story instead of the friend.

Second, let’s address her insecurities. When that girl hears about your hardships, she will reflect on her life and say things to herself like “Well at least I’m not going through that,” and be happy.

Her life could be jacked up but if she feels like yours is worse, she finds joy in her circumstances being “better” than yours, and she is not your friend.

Question For Your Reflection: Have you ever noticed a “friend” is a little too eager to hear about the L’s you’re taking in life?

6| She doesn’t celebrate your wins

You’ve probably heard some version of the phrase “Pay attention to the people who don’t clap for you when you win,” and sadly that includes friends.

Let’s say you graduated, got a new job, got a new boo and you’re excited to share your happiness with your “friend,” and when you do, it’s crickets.

I mean she is uninterested.

She’s even a little annoyed. Why?

Because just like your losses make her feel good about herself (see sign #5), your triumphs make her feel bad about herself.

She starts comparing herself to you in her head and unfortunately becomes jealous of your accomplishments.

She sees you winning and instead of being happy for you, she’s threatened by your success.

She never expected you to do great things because she doesn’t even expect great things from herself.

Your achievements make her insecure when they have nothing to do with her at all.

Worse than this is when she downplays your wins like they aren’t a big deal. She tries to dim your light while you’re shining.

And it’s really hurtful and confusing because whenever she’s achieved something, you’re one of her biggest cheerleaders.

You’re always excited to celebrate her and she never wants to celebrate you, and that’s because that girl is a hater and she is not your friend.

Question For Your Reflection: Have you ever shared a win with a “friend” and she was blasé about it?

7| She belittles your dreams and goals

Sharing your goals and dreams with someone is such an intimate act because you’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to expose your heart’s desires.

So when you do that with a “friend” and she makes fun or light of them, you sadly learn that she was never a safe space for you to share your aspirations.

She’s actually intimidated by your ambition because she doesn’t know how to dream big and she struggles to set and achieve her own goals.

Seeing you aspire to be greater makes her somehow feel “behind,” and so she tries to get in your head to prevent you from elevating to keep you on the same level as her.

She makes fun of your efforts, diminishes your skill sets, and tells you that you can’t make a real difference because she’s projecting her feelings about herself onto you.

I’m not talking about the friends who offer practical advice and perspective about your goals, but the ones who go out of their way to crush your dreams.

You know how the saying goes, “They want to see you do good, but not better than them.” But that’s not how a real friend feels, and that is why she is not your friend.

Question For Your Reflection: Have you ever had a “friend” tell you that you couldn’t accomplish something? And proceed to tell you why you can’t?

8| She intentionally gives bad advice and encourages self-sabotaging behavior

There are some “friends” who dislike you so much that they become manipulative and intentionally try to steer you wrong.

You vent to her about heartbreak, and she is telling you to bust the windows out of your ex’s car.

You tell her you’re having financial issues, and she is encouraging you to spend money that you don’t have.

You tell her that you don’t like the boss at your new job, and she suggests that you quit before finding a new one.

While you're an adult who is responsible for your choices, your friends can still influence your life.

In moments when you do run into challenges, you hope that you’re surrounded by people who have your best interests at heart and will give you sound advice.

But then some “friends” want to see you lose (see sign #5) and have no problem aiding you to do so. She has no qualms about enabling you to behave in a way that is self-destructive and short-sided.

She manipulates your trust and those vulnerable moments to see you do damage that will either set you back or prevent you from moving forward.

This girl doesn’t want to see you at your best and that is why, she is not your friend.

Question For Your Reflection: If you were to think back to the advice a “friend” gave you, did she encourage you to act negatively or positively?

Have you ever encountered any of these signs that someone was not your friend? What was your experience like? Feel free and safe to share in the comments!