THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES FOR FRIENDSHIP
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New York Times Best Seller Dr. Gary Chapman wrote the award-winning book, The 5 Love Languages, to teach couples the different ways to give and receive love from one another.
If you’re not familiar, Chapman notes the 5 love languages as words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
The author’s message is that relationships thrive when we learn how to love each other in the preferred love language.
Of course, there are obvious differences in how these love languages apply to romantic relationships versus friendships, but the underlying sentiment is the same, and it’s that:
love is a verb, an action.
It’s knowing that the things we intentionally choose to do for our loved ones can express just how much we care for them.
How great would it be for your friendships if you knew exactly what to do to make your friends feel loved by you, and vice versa?
In this post, we’re going to explore the different ways to do just that, by breaking down The 5 Love Languages for Friendship.
Words of Affirmation
“One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up.”
- Dr. Gary Chapman
What Chapman considered words of affirmation were things like compliments, words of appreciation, and words of encouragement.
It’s essentially acknowledging something about your friend, or something they have done and celebrating it.
Words of Affirmations Examples
Compliment her new hairstyle or outfit
Send her encouraging words when she is dream chasing
Remind her of whom God says she is (loved, chosen, special, strong, etc.)
Express appreciation for something she did for you (and include detail of how it helped you)
Acknowledging their progress toward a goal
Personal Example
My best friend and I are planning our next girls trip, so we sent out surveys to collect information from the other ladies attending the trip. One of our friend attendees sent us a text message that said, “Y’all are amazing at doing those spreadsheets and surveys.”
We work hard to plan our trips in a way that reduces stress for the rest of our friends, so for her to acknowledge that the systems we put in place are helpful was really nice and appreciated.
Quality Time
“Giving someone your undivided attention.”
- Dr. Gary Chapman
When Chapman described quality time, he noted the importance of doing something wholeheartedly and spending focused, intentional, time together.
Can you think of a time when you were talking to someone and they said they were listening, but they were on their phone and couldn’t keep up with the conversation?
It is incredibly frustrating, because it feels like the person is not interested in what you’re saying, and their actions display that what you have going on is not worth their full attention.
Spending quality uninterrupted time together allows the sharing of experiences, thoughts, feelings, and ideas which is the recipe for building a real connection.
It’s a good idea to pick quality activities to do together as well, bonus points if it’s something you both enjoy.
Going out to eat together is perfectly fine, but every now and then throw in a different activity to switch things up.
Quality Time Examples
Host a game night
Plan monthly brunches
Do a hobby together (like shopping, Cricuting, exercising, etc.)
Study together
Volunteer together
Personal Example
Over the years I’ve hosted many different gatherings at my home, like Paint & Sips, an Around-the-World party, a Cinco de Mayo celebration, and much more.
I decorated and came up with games to play that my friends loved. These moments allowed us to have quality conversations, laugh, dance, and simply enjoy one another’s company.
Receiving Gifts
“Gifts are visual symbols of love.”
- Dr. Gary Chapman
People whose #1 love language is receiving gifts sometimes get a bad reputation for being viewed as materialistic, but that’s typically not the case.
Those who like to receive gifts like the item, but they love the thoughtfulness behind it.
We live in a busy world, and we have busy minds, so for a friend to make space in their thoughts to remember the things that would bring another friend joy, feels special.
Maybe you don’t have the best memory, but you keep a list of your friend’s favorite things to reference in the future; that still shows that you value paying attention to them and the things that they like.
Receiving a gift is a physical reminder that your friend was thinking about you, that they were paying attention to you, and that you matter to them.
Per Chapman, gifts can be created, found, or purchased.
Receiving Gifts Examples
In the post, Friendship Care Package, it discusses the thought process of thinking of what your friend enjoys and then finding a gift that correlates to that, like:
If your friend is into planting, you could get her a ceramic indoor plant pot
If your friend is into journaling, you could get her new highlighters
If your friend is into doing makeup, you could get her a makeup travel bag
Another way to think of a good gift is to acknowledge the moments in your friend's life, and find a correlating gift for that, like:
If your friend is starting grad school, you could get her a cute planner
If your friend is buying a home, you could get her a gift for her kitchen like a Dutch oven pot
If your friend got a new dog, you could get her a dog treat training pouch
Personal Example
My friend and I are both on our natural hair journey, and we are constantly sharing our experiences, tips, and product recommendations.
I mentioned to her a product that I loved in normal conversation, and on my birthday she sent me 4 bottles of it!
I was so happy because it was something I would have purchased for myself, but now wouldn’t need to for a while. More importantly, she was listening to me. That was the real gift.
Acts of Service
“Doing things your (friend) would like you to do.”
- Dr. Gary Chapman
Acts of Service is simply giving love in the form of help.
It’s not that people are too proud to ask for help, but it’s so easy to get into a routine that they don’t think to ask for it as much.
Like I said, everyone is busy, so taking something off a friend’s to-do list can be a big stress reliever. Whether it’s a response to a personal request or doing it on their own, the help is appreciated.
There are a few important things to keep in mind when doing acts of service:
Make sure you’re doing these things with a positive attitude
Make sure you’re doing these things because you want to be helpful
Make sure you’re doing these things without the expectation of getting something in return
Love should always be freely given.
Whatever you choose to do for your friend is based on what you know she would want you to do. Don’t make up things that are good for you, and pretend it is what is good for her.
Just like with gifts, there is a thoughtfulness to acts of service because you are paying attention to her needs.
Acts of Service Examples
In the post, 25 Gestures of Friendship Appreciation, it has great ideas of things you could do for your friends, like:
If they have a pet, offer to pet-sit
Bring them lunch at work (yes friends can do this too, not just significant others)
Help them study for an upcoming exam
Pick them up/drop them off at the airport
Offer to help them clean their garage, do yard work, or move
Personal Example
I mentioned above how we are in the process of planning our girls trip this year, and one thing that I do not enjoy doing is comparing accommodations.
I know how beneficial it is to get the best deal, but it is tedious, and it all starts to look the same to me.
My best friend gladly took on the task, and not only did she do the research, but she also created a super detailed spreadsheet with all the key information.
This was a huge help to me and I was beyond grateful for it!
Physical Touch
“Physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love.”
- Dr. Gary Chapman
For some people, when being touched (with consent, of course) it feels like a connection to their soul.
Like there is a transfer of energy that communicates exactly how they feel without saying one word.
The embrace of physical touch can make someone feel safe, calm, and cherished.
Physical touch is probably the one love language that is the trickiest when it comes to friendships, because people have different comfort levels when it comes to being touched.
I believe there is more of an emphasis on a close physical presence that is just as meaningful as actual physical touch.
Physical Touch Examples
Hugging
Doing each other’s hair
Walking arm in arm
Holding hands
Watching TV on a couch together
Personal Experience
If I am being honest, physical touch is not my go-to love language, but I do appreciate some aspects of it.
At my graduation from undergrad, I saw a friend who endured the day-to-day college journey with me. We locked eyes and immediately ran to embrace one another. We cried.
It was like I could feel the heaviness of our challenges melt away, and the relief that we both felt in that one hug. I felt really close to her at that moment.
Love your friend, in HER love language
I wanted to talk about this because the opposite happens more often than not. We tend to do things that we want to do for our friends and assume that they will be happy regardless.
While it’s true your friend will be appreciative of any thoughtful gesture from you, why not try to do so in her love language?
I’m not saying to give love outside of your capacity, or even to the extent that you might for your spouse. But if your spouse can get a new Apple watch, can your bestie at least get her favorite scented candle or nah?!?!
What ends up happening when you give love in your preferred method instead of hers, is that it may not be received with the depth of emotion that you intended to send it with.
Non-Personal Example
Layla communicates to her best friend Brooke that she would like to go wine tasting with her for her birthday. Brooke instead sends Layla a gift certificate to go wine tasting alone.
What Layla was really looking for was quality time, but she instead received a gift. Now Layla feels disappointed, and Brooke feels unappreciated.
This situation could have been totally avoided had there been a better understanding of one another’s love language.
Learning and loving your friend in their love language is not you “doing too much.”
It’s just another way to practice being an intentional friend.
Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch, are simply 5 ways to express love in action.
It lets your friends know that it matters to you that they receive the love you’re giving.
Do you know your friendship love language? Is it different than the love language you have for your romantic relationships? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below!
