MANIPULATION IN FRIENDSHIPS
Have you ever heard of the term, “love bombing?”
I’ll be honest, when the phrase started buzzing online I didn’t know what it meant, so I decided to learn more about it.
To my surprise, I found that it’s not a new concept at all, but a new light has been shined on this manipulative behavior, and rightfully so.
Let me share a definition I found on the World Wide Web.
“Love bombing is the practice of showing a person excessive affection and attention to manipulate them in a relationship.”
This behavior is often associated with romantic relationships, but it’s definitely not exclusive to them.
As I reflected on love bombing, I thought of other ways manipulation shows up in friendships and how easy it is to overlook or be tricked by it.
Unfortunately, there are people in this world who don’t have genuine intentions for the friendship they have or want with you; this blog post is here to help you identify those deceptive strategies.
FWI NOTES & DISCLAIMERS
FWI Note: I am going to use the emojis ❤️💣 throughout the blog post for the manipulation tactics that could indicate love bombing.
FWI Disclaimer #1: I am not a therapist, just a blogger who uses her research and life experiences to create content to help improve friendships. Please seek licensed professionals to explore these concepts as they relate to you and your life.
FWI Disclaimer #2: It's important to note that some of these signs aren't inherently negative; they might even be desirable qualities in a friend.
That’s why you need discernment.
Pay attention to your gut feeling – does something seem off, or is there a hidden agenda? Consider how their actions impact you: Do you feel uneasy, or is their behavior overwhelming? Finally, analyze the consequences of their actions: Have they led to negative outcomes?
11 Signs of Manipulation in Friendships
1| When she wants to be best friends overnight ❤️💣
Making genuine friendships is a process and a beautiful journey, but some people want it to happen instantly.
She enjoys an encounter or two with you and has decided she wants you to be her “person.” (Grey’s Anatomy shoutout!)
But real friendships take time to develop, so it’s a red flag when someone tells everyone you’re her best friend after only hanging out a couple of times.
Example: You meet someone new in your yoga class, and you guys hit it off. You decide to grab smoothies after the class and exchange social media information.
The next day, you see she’s posted a picture of the two of you and captioned her post, “Sunday Funday with my bestie!”
2| When she gets too personal, too soon ❤️💣
Have you ever met someone who told you their life story after only talking to them for a few minutes?
Isn’t it a bit off-putting?
I think it can be, especially when they give you details that are much too personal.
I recognize that some people are genuinely open by nature. But then others want to speed up the friendship process (Sign #1) to create a false sense of intimacy and get you to trust them.
It can be an attempt to force an emotional bond and get you to share your personal business so that they can have leverage over you.
They can also use trauma dumping as a form of manipulation to guilt you into being their friend and make you feel obligated to treat them a certain way.
Example: You have lunch with a new coworker and it starts out fine, but then she shares intimate details of her divorce and the issues she’s having with co-parenting.
Now, you are burdened with her personal information that you didn’t ask for and feel responsible for being a shoulder for her to cry on.
3| When she wants you to get too personal before you’re comfortable
She’s told you all of her business (Sign #2), and guess what? Now she expects you to be an open book like her and will get upset if you’re not.
She feels like you owe her the details of your life because she gave you hers, even though you never asked for them.
She’s incredibly nosey, and her questions don’t feel sincere, but instead an attempt to collect personal information to use against you later.
Example: A new coworker told you about her divorce and now she’s asking about your dating life, the issues you have in your relationship, or why you’re single.
You are hesitant to share but she keeps pushing, disregarding your discomfort because she feels entitled to that information.
4| When she showers you with excessive, over-the-top giving ❤️💣
Everyone loves to receive a gift or to be taken out sometimes, but when a new “friend” does this at an alarming rate, in an overwhelming way, it can make you question her motives.
It feels like she is trying to make you like her really fast, and might even be a distraction for other red flags she is trying to hide.
In extreme cases, this person could be trying to give you things daily, or even multiple times a day. It creates a sense of indebtedness to them that she secretly loves.
Example: You have a new “friend” who never lets you pick up the tab whenever you’re out to eat. Even when you ask to pay for your food, she insists and is insulted if you try.
5| When she’s over-the-top with the flattery ❤️💣
Who doesn’t love a compliment?
We all do, but some “friends” will overdo it with ill intentions. Sometimes, the compliments can be exaggerated or untrue, like praising you for things you’re not even doing.
Or she put you on a high pedestal to try and force you into unrealistic expectations she wants from you.
She will also use comparison, putting down other people in her life, and saying things to make you feel more important than them.
Example: You have a “friend” who says something like, “I don’t like hanging out with __ because they are nothing but drama, but it’s not like that with you. You’re better than them. They aren’t half the woman that you are. You’re smarter than them and prettier. You always pick up when I call and never miss any important milestones in my life. You’re a real friend. I love you so much bestie!”
6| When she mimics you to create a false sense of relatability
It’s nice when your “friend” admires your style, hobbies, and characteristics, but it’s a red flag when she tries to mirror your life as her own.
By copying you, she tries to manipulate you into thinking she understands you better than anyone else. That she relates more due to shared experiences or perspectives, and the false deep connection she’s created.
She strategically appeals to your interests to secure a close position in your life.
Example: This “friend” knows that you love reading. She doesn’t like to read, but she starts asking you for book recommendations, reading the same books as you, wanting to start a book club, and sending you social media posts about books.
The shared interest creates a false sense of deep connection, leading you to reveal vulnerabilities to her when she hasn't genuinely earned your trust.
7| When she has ulterior motives for helping you
This is when a “friend” is doing something for you for her own selfish reasons.
It could be to make herself look like a great friend in your life, to create a sense of obligation, or even try to make you dependent upon her.
Her helpfulness is not from a genuine place, it comes with strings attached.
Example: You tell your “friend” you need to bake dozens of cupcakes for an event, and she offers to help. You thank her for her assistance, and she then asks you to make a post on social media thanking her.
When you say no, she throws it in your face that she didn’t have to help you, highlighting that none of your other friends helped you, and calls you ungrateful.
8| When she’s clingy AF and makes you feel guilty for having your own life
This is that “friend” who calls you all day, wants to go everywhere you’re going, wants to do everything you’re doing, and wants to be included in every aspect of your life.
If you miss a call or leave her out of something, she feels rejected.
She may throw a tantrum or try to guilt you into believing you’re a bad friend who doesn’t care about her.
Her life is dependent on yours and your attention at all times. She has no regard for your boundaries or need for space.
Example: You go to the mall alone and post it on your social media. Your “friend” then texts you and tells you that you’re acting funny because you didn’t invite her to go, knowing that she loves the mall.
9| When she feels entitled to you and her role in your life and gaslights you into believing it too
This is the “friend” who feels you have an obligation to include her in your decision-making, your relationships, how you spend your time, etc.
When she isn’t involved (similar to clinginess, Sign #8) she will use guilt to make you feel bad for her.
She wants to have a level of control and ownership in your life and feels she deserves it because she’s been a “good friend” to you.
And if you disagree, she’ll try to make you believe that you’re wrong.
Example: You go on an interview for a new job and don’t tell anyone. You decide to share the news once you get the position and she throws a fit because she didn’t know you were in the interview process.
She makes it about herself and says you have no right to keep secrets from her.
She doesn’t try to understand why you kept it to yourself, and paints you out to be a deceptive friend who hides things.
10| When she’s jealous AF and tries to keep you isolated from others
You are not a possession, a play toy, or anyone’s property, yet this “friend” thinks she owns you and gets jealous of the other people in your life.
Any time you give someone else attention, it doesn’t matter if it’s family, a significant other, or another friend, she is extremely upset.
She doesn’t want you to form or maintain relationships with anyone else who could threaten her position in your life.
She tries to disguise the possessive behavior as caring about you more than the other people in your life do.
Example: Let’s use the example from Sign #6 (mimicking you), the friend who doesn’t like to read but pretends that she does to get closer to you.
Now, let’s say you go to lunch with this friend and another, and she sees you paying more attention to the other friend.
She then deliberately shifts the conversation to books to reclaim your attention. Her goal is to create distance and cause friction in your other friendships.
11| When she’s intentionally passive-aggressive
This is when your “friend’ expresses frustration or resentment indirectly.
She wants to “punish” you in a sense without appearing to be the bad guy. She doesn’t want to engage in direct conflict where she could be held accountable.
She likes to create environments of confusion and gaslight you into believing that your perception of her behavior is wrong. She then expects you to always fix whatever the issue is.
Example: Your “friend” gives you the silent treatment whenever you and her have disagreements, and the two of you don’t speak unless you’re the one who tries to make things right.
This manipulation in friendships topic is a bit heavy and can be downright confusing.
It's possible that you or your friends engage in some of these behaviors without any harmful intent.
Nobody is a perfect friend.
This is an opportunity to identify these manipulating tactics to address them in your current friendships, and recognize them before forming new ones.
Have you ever been manipulated in friendships? If you feel comfortable doing so, share your experience in the comments below.
