12 FRIENDSHIP RED FLAGS YOU’RE IGNORING
Have you ever had a gut feeling about someone who is giving you clear signs to run for the hills?
That’s your intuition, the holy spirit, or simply a red flag alerting you that this may not be someone you want to add to your inner circle.
In the physical, if you were to see a red flag it is typically used as a sign of warning, or to let you know there is danger ahead.
In either case, the red flag symbolizes the need to NOT go forward.
When it comes to new friendships or friendships we are already in, sometimes the red flags aren’t so obvious to us because we are blinded by feelings like excitement, acceptance, complacency, and much more.
Other times we know something is a red flag and overlook it because we want to be in relationship with this person.
Despite the red flag behavior, these “friends” have filled a void in an area of our lives that seems to be more important to us.
Even if that’s true, there are just some things we cannot overlook if we want to grow and maintain healthy friendships.
While it’s important to have grace for people and to know that no one is perfect (not even you), that doesn’t mean you have to expose yourself to behaviors that can be harmful to you and your well-being.
This blog post calls out 12 red flags to watch out for as you form new friendships or navigate the ones you already have.
12 Friendship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
1| Friends who don’t support you.
It’s an unrealistic expectation to want your friends to show you support in absolutely everything that you do.
Nobody has that kind of time or energy, no matter how much they love you.
But it is a realistic expectation to want them to support you with the things that you have declared as important to you.
It’s weird when your friends are aware of something significant to you and they go MIA.
The method of how your friend supports you doesn’t even matter as much, because unless you have a special request, there are multiple ways for them to show up for you (See the blog post 60 WAYS TO BE A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND).
For example, one friend may celebrate you graduating by attending the graduation, another may support you by sending you a thoughtful gift, and another may send you a heartfelt text message.
All of those forms of support would be better than absolutely nothing at all.
It’s giving side-eye.
2| Friends who make everything about themselves.
Have you ever vented to someone about a problem you were having and they immediately started telling you about their own issues?
Or maybe you’re telling them something you’re really excited about, and they still find a way to make it about themselves.
Like WTF?
One, it’s rude. And two, it makes you feel unseen, unheard, and like what’s going on in your life is not as important as what’s going on in their lives.
Some people do it because they feel like it’s a way to connect with you, and it could be.
However, when they don’t allow you to fully express yourself or listen to you, the opportunity for connection is lost.
When this happens repetitively, it exposes self-serving and selfish behaviors that negatively affect communication in friendships.
3| Friends who are extremely critical of you.
These are the people who are incredibly judgmental to the point where they make you feel ashamed about the way you choose to live your life.
The friends who think they know what’s best for you, condemn the choices you make and make you feel self-conscious.
The words that these friends use towards you are hurtful, and make you feel small.
It doesn’t even have to be about major life decisions, something as simple as attacking the way that you dress can make you feel uncomfortable.
But your friendships should feel like a safe space.
So when they don’t, that’s a problem.
4| Friends who want you to be a “yes” friend.
A “Yes” Friend is someone who agrees with everything that their friends do or say.
A person who only wants “yes” friends will weaponize loyalty and make you feel guilty if you don’t agree with every decision that they make, good or bad.
They want you to be on their side about everything and will call you a bad friend if you’re not, but that’s not a healthy friendship.
While we don’t want to be judgmental (See red flag #3), we also don’t want to turn a blind eye to behaviors and actions that are destructive to our friends or others.
That’s borderline enabling, and that’s not helpful to any relationship.
You shouldn’t be afraid to disagree in your friendships out of fear that your friends will be upset with you.
5| Friends who move funny.
What do I mean by move funny?
I mean things like a friend ghosting you.
Or telling you one thing and doing another.
Or being a completely different person around other people.
Or making you feel like an outcast amongst their other friends.
Or friends who lie about silly things.
Moving funny can be a lot of different things, but it all comes down to your friend’s inconsistent and shaky behavior that leaves you feeling confused about who they are as a person.
Their actions contradict who you have known them to be or who they have told you they were, and it makes you question their authenticity and their character.
That uncertainty makes them unreliable and unsafe because you can’t be sure how genuine of a friend they are to you.
6| Friends who are in silent competition with you.
It’s one thing for you and your friends to have similar interests or goals, but it’s weird when it feels like they are constantly comparing themselves or their journey to yours.
Sometimes this can be masked in passive-aggressive comments like, “Oh I had that dress last year,” or “I have more followers than you,” or even “Girlll, you’re late, I been did ___(Insert whatever).”
A friend should never be trying to one-up you. They should be trying to uplift you, and vice versa.
If the compliment feels backhanded, it probably is.
That can even be a sign of a little insecurity and jealousy, which has no place in a real friendship.
7| Friends who treat other people badly.
While it’s great to have a friend who treats you with respect and kindness, it’s important that they treat other people the same.
This speaks to someone’s character, and a person’s character is the true essence of who they are.
People who are inappropriate, harmful, and/or derogatory with their comments and behaviors, are not the people you want to be in a friendship with.
It doesn’t even matter if they don’t get along with someone, how they express their animosity towards them says a lot.
Be clear, there are levels to this, and it’s really subjective.
Only you know what type of energy a person has that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Only you can decide which actions someone takes towards others that are dealbreakers for you.
Don’t ignore the feeling you get when a friend does something to someone else that makes you think, if they could do that to them, they could do that to me.
8| Friends who hit below the belt.
This is a big NO-NO! When you are real friends with someone, you share all kinds of information, some of those things being insecurities and vulnerabilities that are very personal to each of you.
So in no way should a friend ever be throwing these things in your face as a means to weaponize them.
Hitting below the belt is when someone makes particular comments that they know will cut you to your core, whether or not they are doing so to make a point doesn’t matter.
They know it would hurt you, and a real friend would never try to hurt you on purpose.
This could look like someone bringing up a past trauma that you experienced to judge your actions.
Or using a fear of yours to throw something in your face.
Or even using an insecurity of yours to justify someone’s foul behavior towards you.
It’s all nasty and a reason you should be running for the hills!
9| Friends who belittle you, your goals, and your dreams.
People who talk down on you and anything you would like to accomplish are often projecting their insecurities onto you.
They see you evolving, growing, and TRYING, and that puts a mirror up to their face that exposes that they aren’t.
So if strangers can do that to you, you absolutely need to be cautious of friends who will do that to you.
It’s important to use discernment to know if your friends are giving you constructive criticism, or if they are being a straight-up haters.
Of course you want friends who will keep it real with you, but as discussed in the blog post STOP CRUSHING YOUR FRIEND’S DREAMS, there’s a way to be a practical and supportive friend at the same time.
You deserve to have friends who encourage you, want to see you become the best version of yourself, and see you have everything that God has in store for you.
10| Friends who let others speak ill of you.
One thing’s for certain, and two things for sure, you can’t speak badly about anyone that I love in front of me, and that is a standard you should have for all of your friends.
Even if your friend is close to someone you aren’t cool with, they should set a boundary so that no one will disrespect you in their presence.
People shouldn’t even feel comfortable opening their mouths and discussing you in a negative way around your friends.
That raises the red flag of:
Why do they feel okay to say these things about me around you?
What are you saying about me that makes them speak that way?
You don’t have to have the expectation of your friends defending your every move, because they may not agree with something that you did or said.
But there should be the expectation that they won’t allow someone to say negative things about you around them.
When left unchecked, it leaves so many questions as to how they feel about you.
11| Friends who use you.
Here’s the thing, sometimes you don’t even realize you are being used by a friend until something significant happens that exposes their true intentions.
Other times, it’s obvious and in your face but you may be ignoring it because you like other things about this person.
This could look like…
Someone befriending you because you’re their significant other’s best friend.
Someone befriending you because they know you can help with their career advancement.
Someone befriending you because they know you will always pay their tab.
Someone befriending you because they want access to your connections and resources.
Someone befriending you because they know you will always show up for them when they are in need, even if they never return that type of energy.
When you really assess the friendship foundation, you need to ask yourself if this person is really your friend, or are they just getting all that they can out of you.
12| Friends who encourage self-sabotaging behavior.
As we noted in Red Flag #9, you want friends who want to help you become the best version of yourself, and that’s not people who try to keep you engaged in activities that stunt your growth.
You want friends who can hold you accountable, and push you towards the healthy habits you hope to obtain.
You want friends who don’t put you in environments where they know you could struggle or be triggered.
You want friends who won’t turn a blind eye to your bad behavior and enable you by justifying your actions.
For example, that friend who knows you’re trying to stop smoking shouldn’t invite you out to a hookah bar.
Or that friend who knows you’re trying to move on from an ex-boyfriend shouldn’t encourage you to go to a party they know he will attend.
I’m not talking about the friends who are unaware of the changes you’re trying to make, or the ones who don’t address behaviors that are seemingly okay.
But if they know or they can see something that you are doing is not serving you, and they are actively encouraging you to do it, that’s a red flag.
These red flags aren’t here to make you feel guilty or feel like a fool for overlooking these behaviors in the past.
It’s very possible you’ve noticed these things too and worked through them with your friend.
With time, grace, and forgiveness, you all may have been able to move forward with a healthier friendship.
At the very least, these red flags are telling you to be cautious with this person, and to be wise with how you choose to be in relationship with them.
At most, these are clear signs that you don’t need to enter into new friendships with people who do these things.
Or it could be showing you that it’s time to walk away from friendships where these things occur.
While it may be difficult, your wellness has to come first.
Friends play a close and significant role in our lives, so we must be cautious with who we allow to occupy those spaces.
Have you ever had to deal with any of these red flags in your friendships? How did you handle them?
