STOP CRUSHING YOUR FRIEND’S DREAMS
This month we’re starting a new series entitled, That’s My Show!, where we examine some of our favorite TV show friendships to explore different topics related to all things friendship and sisterhood. This month we’re using the hit show Girlfriends.
This Award-winning sitcom follows four friends, Joan, Toni, Maya, and Lynn as they experience the highs and lows of life together as friends.
This week’s topic is inspired by an episode where Toni wanted to start her own boutique realty business, but her best friend Joan didn’t believe in her vision.
TV SHOW: GIRLFRIENDS
SEASON: 2
EPISODE: 17, “CHILD'S IN CHARGE”
Do you have that one visionary friend?
The one who has big dreams and aspirations but at times has a history of not seeing them through?
The one whose organizational and time management skills are a little faulty, but whose heart is in the right place?
It can be challenging at times to be supportive when you know her track record, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
Unintentionally, your friend’s dreams may be going in one ear and out the other out of immediate disbelief.
Or you may find yourself dissecting their ideas, calling out the risks and potential challenges to be helpful, but instead coming off pessimistic.
While your heart might be in the right place in wanting to see them be successful, how you communicate that can come across as unsupportive if you’re not careful with your approach.
I’m not advising you to be a “yes” friend and completely disregard the real concerns you have for your friend’s plan, but it would be more effective to do so in a way that she would receive it in love.
This post will discuss the different ways you can give your friend practical advice and insight, and still be a supportive friend without crushing their dreams.
Episode Recap
The episode starts with Joan, Toni, Maya, and Lynn having a celebratory dinner for Toni closing a deal on a multi-million dollar home.
Nudged by a blunt (borderline rude) colleague, Toni starts thinking about her legacy and wants more for her life. At a get-together with the girls, she excitedly announces that she wants to open her own high-end realty agency.
Maya and Lynn immediately support the idea, but she notices that Joan is a little hesitant.
Joan then proceeds to grill her about the potential business, asking about her plans for incorporation, getting her broker’s license, start-up money, salaries, advertising, insurance, etc.
Toni was disappointed in her best friend’s response, and Joan says that while she is excited, she just wants Toni to be realistic. Toni leaves the gathering feeling unsupported by her best friend.
After that incident, Toni begins to study for her broker’s license, but Joan’s words keep penetrating her thoughts. Lynn shares some encouraging words with Toni and Maya even tries to help her study for her exam.
Toni eventually passes her exam and makes up with Joan. Unfortunately, in their making up, Joan oversteps and asks a friend if Toni could rent a cubicle in his law firm for her business.
Joan believes that Toni should start small, but Toni wants to go big and bet on herself. That’s when she realizes that Joan doesn’t believe in her vision, and thinks that she will fail.
In the end, Toni gets her dream office space for her realty business, and Joan apologizes for not being a supportive friend.
Positive Friendship Moments
Joan hosted a dinner to celebrate Toni's multi-million-dollar real estate sale.
Maya immediately supported Toni with words of encouragement like, "You can do this girl!" Lynn also provides support for Toni after the news as well.
Joan does eventually apologize and acknowledges that she should have been more supportive.
Questionable Friendship Moments
Immediately after Toni stated that she wanted to start her own business, Joan began to question Toni's ability to actually do it.
Joan scoffed at Toni's imagination and assumed that she didn’t have a realistic plan.
When Joan was discussing Toni's dreams, she took a jab about how Toni still owes her money.
Other Notable Moments
When Toni started to doubt if she could pass her broker’s license exam, Maya helped her study to encourage her.
When Toni questioned If Joan was right about her, Lynn said, "Joan is not always right and she’s not your mother, you can’t let her dictate what’s right and wrong for you.”
Episode Takeaway
Support your friend by finding the good.
If your friend wants to participate In a workout challenge, celebrate her desire to take care of her health.
If your friend wants to get a dog, appreciate knowing that she will have a loving companion.
If your friend wants to pick up playing the piano, get excited that she wants to try something new and challenge herself.
The point Is that when you focus on the good, It makes It easier to support your friend's goals.
The Negative Impacts of Doubting Your Friend's Vision
1| Your friend will start to doubt themselves.
If you have a real connection with someone, they care about your opinion and your perspective; it holds weight and has value to them.
While their self-esteem is their responsibility, your words can still penetrate their thoughts and have them second-guessing themselves.
2| Your friend will stop sharing their dreams (and possibly other parts of their lives) with you.
One of the best parts of friendship is sharing your life with someone who cares about you and the things that are important to you.
Why would they continue to share with you if you are always putting them down?
Your friend will no longer want to share things with you because you make them feel defeated instead of empowered.
3| You could be unconsciously projecting your insecurities onto your friend.
Seeing your friend have the courage to talk about their goals could be setting off a part of you that has not yet decided to go after your own dreams.
Your subconscious could be responding for you and making you appear jealous, which is incredibly damaging to a friendship.
Can you be a practical and supportive friend?
Absolutely! Like I said in the beginning, no one benefits from having a “yes” friend who agrees with everything, but how you do it makes all the difference.
Check out these tips below to help you out.
Tip #1 Check your timing
There Is nothing wrong with being practical, but there is a time and place for everything.
In the episode, once Toni shared her vision for her realty business, Joan immediately shared her disapproval. Toni couldn’t even enjoy her moment for a minute without Joan raining on her parade, and that wasn’t cool.
Try not to be a Debbie Downer and let your friend enjoy the beauty of her dreams. You can always follow up with her at a more appropriate time to voice your concerns.
Tip #2 Ask if she wants feedback
Once you pick a more appropriate time, ask her if she wants your feedback. She may not even want your unsolicited advice and you have to respect that.
Just because she shared her dreams with you, doesn’t mean she was asking for your help to make them come true.
If she does want your help, when you ask her if she wants feedback she will be open to listening to what you have to say.
Here’s an easy example of how you can approach the conversation. “I am so excited for you! I can totally see you doing this. If you ever want to flesh out some ideas, I am here for you.”
Tip #3 Ask open-ended questions
Let’s say your friend is open to you giving her feedback, great! Now is the time to ask her open-ended questions (the opposite of yes or no questions).
Instead of assuming she doesn’t have it all together, you can engage in conversations that get her to think about the things that would be helpful to her.
For example, instead of asking, “Do you have the money to fund this business?” You could ask, “What are some options you are considering to fund your new venture?”
Here’s another example. Instead of, “Do you even have time to take care of a new puppy?” You could ask, “What are your thoughts on doggy daycare for your new puppy while you’re at work or traveling?”
See the difference?
Tip #4 Offer help
If you care enough to want to voice your concerns about her dreams, then you should probably care enough to offer your assistance.
It’s one thing to come up with a laundry list of things she needs to do, it’s another to actually help with that laundry list.
In the episode, Joan reminded Toni that she doesn’t even have her broker’s license. The approach Maya took was to help Toni study for her broker’s license exam so that she could attain it.
Don’t just talk about it, be about it!
Also, if you’re going to help, make sure you always ask if what you’d like to do is something your friend agrees with. Don’t assume you know what help will be the best for her and her vision.
Tip #5 Encourage and affirm
Dreaming is fun, but making those dreams come true takes courage. It can be scary and overwhelming. Your friend already knows the challenge she has ahead of her and could have her doubts, she doesn’t need yours too.
Encourage your friend to believe in herself, pray with her and for her, remind her that she can do hard things, and be a safe place that she can go to throughout her journey.
Maybe you don’t agree with your friend’s dreams, but unless it’s causing harm to themselves or anyone else, you don’t have to step on them either. You can communicate your concern respectfully and still be supportive.
If you’re still not sure how to do that, check out the blog post WTF Is Intentional Friendship as it goes into more detail about how you can be a supportive friend by showing up, motivating, and listening.
What approach works best for you and your friends when it comes to supporting each other’s dreams? Feel free to share below!
