WTF IS INTENTIONAL FRIENDSHIP?
An intentional friendship is when people choose to engage in friendship with purpose, on purpose.
There is mindfulness to being a friend. Thoughtfulness. Action. So many verbs could be used here, but the result is still the same and that’s effort.
If we are honest, I’m sure we could all reflect on past friendships and see that some of them just felt to the wayside.
Why is that?
Of course, some circumstances warranted the end of a friendship like a relationship being unhealthy, unsafe, or dare I say, toxic. But I am not talking about that here.
If we reflect on those friendships, we may see that as time has passed, we likely became hyper-focused on our individual lives, and if friendships were no longer as convenient as they use to be, we put them on the back burner.
We all have done it.
And I do believe that there are seasons where you have to be more strategic and somewhat restrictive with your time to accomplish personal goals. I get it.
But then there is just this glaring truth that we sometimes don’t like to admit:
We stopped trying.
We stopped calling. We stopped planning to get together because it was too hard to coordinate schedules. We stopped asking how they were doing because viewing their social media made us think we already knew what was going on in their lives. We just stopped doing.
Maybe we didn’t stop caring in our thoughts, but we stopped caring in our actions. And I am a believer that love, even for a friend, is an action.
So now if we reflect on the friendships that we currently have, are we being intentional in them?
Let’s discuss how we can pour into these relationships to keep them thriving.
Initiate and Create Connection
Connection simply means to be joined together. For human connection, it can be a deep bond that’s formed from the linking, building, and exchanging of energy.
So in friendships, a connection can be established and maintained by choosing to give your energy away to someone you care about.
The expectation is that the energy will be reciprocated because as friends, you’re pouring into one another.
Check out 3 ways to build connection below:
1| Communicate
Texting, talking on the phone, voice memos, video chats, social media direct messaging, etc. It’s having a conversation about anything and everything!
It doesn’t always have to be deep, but it doesn’t always have to be shallow either.
The exchange of our thoughts, ideas, and the randomness that crosses our minds discussed in a safe space can serve as a welcomed outlet and an opportunity to get to know each other better.
2| Spend Time
Whether in person or virtually, doing some type of activity together that you both enjoy is a great way to connect through experiences.
This could look like going to an aerial yoga class in a studio, or joining a yoga session online together.
3| Perform Thoughtful Acts
Performing a thoughtful act can be a great way to show a friend that you are thinking of them and value bringing joy into their lives, even with a small gesture.
This could be something as intricate as sending a care package or as simple as sending a card.
Keep Asking Questions
Do you know what your friend likes to do for fun? Not what they used to like, but what they enjoy today?
I used to love drinking and going to somebody’s club all the time when I was in college, but not so much anymore. Now a trip to a ceramic painting class and trying a new restaurant gets me excited. Talk about a complete 180!
How would we ever know these things if we never ask?
Below you’ll find some easy questions to learn more about your friends:
How are you doing? In your day-to-day activities are you fulfilled or do you sometimes feel like you’re just going through the motions?
What do you do for work now? Do you enjoy it? Are you interested in any new roles or promotions at your job? Or are you interested in changing career fields?
Do you have any passion projects you want to start? Or if you’ve already started, how’s it going?
What do you like to do for fun?
How are you enjoying dating?/How is your relationship going? Are you happy? What have you learned more about yourself being single or being in a relationship?
What are some things you enjoy for self-care? Do you implement these things daily? Weekly? Monthly? Do you enjoy a morning routine?
Provide Genuine Support
Having someone in your corner who is ready and willing to be your shoulder to cry on, your sounding board, or the one who pushes you towards excellence is invaluable.
Being supported by a friend is like a warm embrace.
It can calm an anxious heart and serve as a reminder that you don’t have to go through anything, good or bad, alone.
Check out 3 ways you can be supportive below:
1| Show Up
it’s the giving of your time or resources in a way that honors your friend.
Practical Example:
Your friend is receiving an achievement award, and you go to the ceremony to celebrate them. Or your friend starts an Etsy shop and you purchase an item and leave a review.
2| Provide Encouragement/Motivation
This is helping someone grow in their confidence and providing hope for greater things to come.
Practical Example:
Your friend has shared with you that they don’t believe in themselves enough to apply for a new position or go up for a promotion.
You can remind them that they have faced challenges before and overcame them. Or you could help them practice interview questions. Or you could pray together.
3| Listen
This is giving your attention and focus to what someone has to say.
Practical Example:
Your friend calls you to discuss an argument that they had with their significant other and they explain the details.
Your job is not to fix their relationship or start giving your opinion on their significant other.
You should empathize with your friend and ask them how you can help. They may want to hear your perspective, or they may just need an outlet to vent.
WHAT INTENTIONAL FRIENDSHIPS ARE NOT
Now that we have an idea of how we can show up as an intentional friend, let’s quickly discuss what intentional friendships are not.
Checking the Box.
We all get busy and often have to schedule time with loved ones to catch up, but are you being present during that time? Are you talking to that person just to say you did it for an hour or were you actively listening? Are you checking your phone every five minutes or are you actually engaging with your friend?
You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do just for the sake of doing it, you’re wasting your time and theirs.
Friendship Only in Group Settings.
While this is great for group connection, it does little for independent friendships. A conversation could start in a group setting, but don’t be afraid to take it out into a 1 on 1 to learn more about their perspective.
Taking the opportunity to connect with a friend on a more intimate level brings you closer.
History-Driven.
We’ve all heard something said like this before: “We’ve been friends for X amount of years so we’re good, we know each other well enough.”
An intentional friendship needs to be watered, effort needs to be made, and action needs to be taken. A plant that is not watered, dies, no matter how long you’ve had it.
If this sounds like a lot, it’s because it is. Intentional friendships take energy and effort. This is why not everybody you are in relationship with is your friend. Some people are meant to be really great associates and that is perfectly fine.
What are some ways you practice being an intentional friend? Please share in the comment box below!
