WOMAN’S INTUITION OR MIND YOUR BUSINESS?
That’s My Show!
Girlfriends Edition
This month we’re starting a new series entitled, That’s My Show!, where we examine some of our favorite TV show friendships to explore different topics related to all things friendship and sisterhood. This month we’re using the hit show Girlfriends.
This Award-winning sitcom follows four friends, Joan, Toni, Maya, and Lynn as they experience the highs and lows of life together as friends.
This week’s topic is inspired by an episode where Joan saw Maya’s husband engaging in what looked like an intimate lunch with his coworker.
TV SHOW: GIRLFRIENDS
SEASON: 1
EPISODE: 7, “EVERYTHING FISHY AINT FISH”
A woman’s intuition is said to be our 6th sense, that gut feeling that guides us to make judgment calls or decisions about a particular situation.
Unfortunately, there may come a time when that intuition can put you in an uncomfortable predicament that has nothing to do with you at all, but instead someone that you love dearly, like a friend.
Based on our episode this week, we ask the question,
Have you ever seen something that your friend’s significant other did that made you feel uneasy?
In today’s world, we might see someone’s partner “like” another woman’s photo on social media and think to ourselves, is that appropriate?
But imagine if you saw your friend’s spouse hanging out with another woman, what would you do?
That intuition could be telling you to take out your phone, start recording, and send it to your friend immediately, or maybe it’s telling you that it’s nothing. Is that really your decision to make?
It can all get confusing pretty quickly and while it sucks to be put in this uncomfortable position, a decision will need to be made.
Check out this week’s blog post to see how these friends handled the situation, and let’s explore if we should follow our intuition, or mind our business!
Episode Recap
Joan and Maya are both friends and coworkers. Joan is a single woman and Maya is married.
Joan sees Maya’s husband (Darnell) at his job, eating lunch with another woman, and feeding her strawberries. Joan is conflicted about mentioning the incident to Maya or keeping it to herself.
Joan discusses the incident with their friend group to get their opinion on what to do, and they don’t believe she has a case.
Joan takes it a step further, asks Maya what she would do, and pretends the situation is about another friend. Maya also agrees that she shouldn't say anything if she wasn’t sure about what she saw.
Shortly after, Maya learned that Joan’s pretend story was about her and she wanted answers. Joan comes clean about the situation and Maya defends her husband.
Although Maya defended her husband to Joan, the incident had bothered her enough to ask Darnell about it and he denied it.
In the end, Darnell confronted Joan about what she did, and that’s when Maya realized he really was being unfaithful.
Positive Friendship Moments
Joan had a genuine concern for her friend’s marriage.
Joan did not want to bring back false information to her friend that could hurt their marriage.
When Joan did tell Maya what she saw, she did not blatantly accuse Maya’s husband of cheating, but approached the topic with care.
Questionable Friendship Moments
Joan told their friend group about Maya’s personal business. While it’s understandable to want to get their advice, she could have worded it as a what would you do question without outing Maya.
Joan’s pretend story to Maya involved other people in their friend group, which could have snowballed into something worse.
When Maya defended her husband, she took a few jabs at Joan, mocking her intuition.
Other Notable Moments
After Maya’s initial defensiveness, she apologized and acknowledged that she knew Joan was trying to have her back. Maya trusted that Joan was not coming from a malicious place.
After Maya addressed the situation with her husband, she felt comfortable enough to come back and update Joan about what happened.
Episode Takeaway
Joan’s anxiety about what she saw overwhelmed her and caused her to respond in ways that weren’t exactly helpful.
A takeaway from this episode would be to keep calm.
The circumstances are already sensitive, there is no need to add more flame to the fire. By jumping to conclusions or getting yourself worked up, you will only be adding more stress to your friend.
It’s also important to have this type of conversation in an environment where your friend feels safe. That means creating a space that is free of judgment, and being available to support her in a way that she would need.
Should you say something if you see your friend’s partner cheating?
Unfortunately, there is no black-and-white answer.
Sometimes you can ask your friend directly if they would want to know if their significant other was unfaithful, and she says yes, and she still gets upset with you for telling her.
On the other hand, you may have a friend who says she absolutely would not want to know, and then get mad at you for not saying anything.
That’s because nobody truly knows how they’re going to feel about something until it happens to them.
If you’re going to tell your friend, state the facts, not your feelings.
Focus on the details that you did see, and try to remove your personal feelings about the situation.
It’s one thing to say “I saw something that made me feel uncomfortable, and I want to share it with you.” It’s another to come off accusatory, presumptuous, and comment like “your man is a cheater!”
If you’re not going to tell your friend, then don’t tell anyone.
It does not help your friend for other people to know her personal business. It’s gossipy, and it can be detrimental to your friendship.
Here are a few additional things to keep in mind when deciding:
If you did not see anything yourself and someone else told you about the incident, you should consider whether or not it’s a good idea to bring your friend second-hand information.
It’s not your place to assume how this news will affect her life or how you think she will respond to the information, and think you know what’s best for her.
You should check your motives. Are you telling your friend this information because you genuinely care about her, or are there some hidden ulterior motives?
One thing that Joan said that I loved was,
“I’m just a girl who thought she was looking out for her girl.”
For many women, they appreciate a friend with that mindset.
For others, they would prefer not being told anything unless it’s 100% clear to prevent unnecessary harm to their relationship.
Neither perspective is wrong.
Real-Life Perspective
If it were me in this season of my life, I would say something, and here’s why:
By not saying anything, I am taking away a decision that belongs to my friend. It is her relationship and not mine.
It is a hurtful and embarrassing feeling for other people to know information about your relationship that you don’t.
My friends trust me and my heart, and because of that, they know that I would be coming from a place of genuine concern.
In a previous season of my life, I’ve been a friend who didn’t say anything, and here’s what happened:
The relationship ended up being very traumatic for my friend.
The foundation of our friendship was cracked and she never fully trusted me again.
I was overwhelmed with guilt and struggled to forgive myself.
In the end, you just have to trust your gut, but handle your friend with care. A woman’s intuition is a real thing, but so are your friend’s feelings.
In today’s climate, people have become so numb to infidelity that they have forgotten that there are human beings attached to these hurtful situations.
People forget that real feelings are involved and that this type of situation can truly be devastating.
What would you do if you saw your friend’s significant other out with another person? Would you want to know? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
