FRIENDS AS ROOMMATES: 10 TOPICS TO DISCUSS BEFORE LIVING WITH A FRIEND
Is it a good idea to be roommates with a friend?
I’ll be honest. I’ve never lived with a friend.
I’ve had friends who lived with each other, I’ve had roommates in my college dorms, and my husband has been my roommate for years, so I do know a little something something about this.
Back then, the idea of living with a friend didn’t appeal to me, because I valued my friendships but I also valued my personal space.
I never wanted to risk ruining my friendships because my friends and I didn’t know how to live together.
Now that I am older, I have somewhat of a different perspective. I think you can make living with your friends work, but it requires a lot more communication upfront.
As with any roommate, you would need to respect one another and the shared space, but with a friend you need to make sure you’re respecting the friendship as well.
Setting boundaries, rules, and expectations take on a whole new meaning when you’re not doing it with a stranger. A different level of care and consideration is required to preserve the friendship.
This blog post will help you and your friend(s) determine whether or not it’s a good idea to live together with these 10 topics to discuss before signing the dotted line on a rental agreement.
10 Topics to Discuss Before Living With a Friend
1| Talk About Guests
Our homes are our sanctuaries, and where we should always feel comfortable and safe.
Because of this, you and your friend need to set ground rules about who you all allow in your shared space, when they’re allowed to enter it, and how often they are allowed to be there.
Yes, because you both pay rent, you should be allowed to bring whoever you want over, whenever you want.
However, because you are also friends, you have that extra level of consideration because you actually care about your friend’s comfort needs.
Compromise is key here!
Conversation Starters About Guests
Do you care if I have people come over at any time of the day?
Do you mind if my significant other is here often?
Is there anyone you don’t want to be in our home?
Should we let each other know anytime that we have company?
Are you comfortable with me having parties/get-togethers at the house?
2| Talk About Noise
When people wake up in the morning, work, exercise, clean, or wind down for the evening, that often includes sound, usually from the TV or some type of music system.
However, some people need a level of silence to complete those tasks as well.
You should discuss your needs as it relates to noise so that neither of you disrupts the other’s day.
For example, if one friend works from home and needs complete silence for her work day, she would need to communicate that upfront.
Conversation Starters About Noise
Should we implement quiet hours for some part of the day/night?
Is there any time of the day when you like to blast music?
Should we use our headphones/AirPods when we are both home?
Are there any sounds that particularly get under your skin?
If one of us needs silence often, should we have to go outside the home? (Like to a library or coffee shop)
3| Talk About Cleaning
This is often the first thing people worry about when it comes to a roommate situation, and rooming with your friends is no different.
You’ve probably been to each other’s houses to hang out before so you think you know each other’s level of cleanliness, but that may be a false advertisement.
Oftentimes people spruce up their homes before having company, so it’s likely your friends did the same.
You need to discuss what a clean home looks like to both of you and determine whether or not it’s something you all can tolerate.
It’s important not to lie about things that really matter to you when it comes to cleaning. Like if you cannot stand the trash being full to the brim, you need to say that!
Conversation Starters About Cleaning
Should we come up with a cleaning schedule/chore chart?
Are there any chores you hate doing or don’t feel you’re good at?
How would you like the home to look at the end of each night?
Are you okay with using cleaning machines (Like a dishwasher or a Roomba)?
How often should we do a deep cleaning?
4| Talk About Grocery Shopping + Cooking
Some roommates prefer to budget for groceries together and split the cost down the middle, while others prefer to buy their groceries separately.
The same goes for cooking meals. You all may want to cook enough food for both of you to enjoy, or only meal prep for yourselves.
The thing is with a stranger that decision is a no-brainer, but with a friend, you may want to share some meals together.
What you don’t want to happen is for the food situation to get messy!
For example, if you both agree to buy your own food, and sometimes you cook for one another, but then one person feels like they are always using their food/ingredients to make the meals, that will cause a problem.
Another example is if you both agree to cook for one another, but there is no schedule in place, and one friend always ends up cooking. That will also be an issue.
What matters here is that you’re both trying to be as fair as possible.
Conversation Starters About Food
Do you want to do our grocery shopping together?
Do you want to share all of our food, share only basic household ingredients, or keep our food completely separate?
Should we take turns cooking for one another?
Are there any food items of yours that you do not want me to use/eat?
Do you have any food allergies?
5| Talk About the Bills
Money can ruin even the best of relationships, so it’s extremely important to discuss how you and your friend will go about paying your bills ASAP!
You need to know how much each of you will be responsible for, the bill’s due dates, the method used to pay the bills, who has access to the bill payment systems, and who will be responsible for paying which bill.
How you all manage your bills should be tailored to your unique living situation.
For example, if one of you works from home and the other person works outside the home, is it fair to pay the same amount for the electricity bill? Maybe? Maybe not? That’s a unique circumstance you two would need to discuss.
Conversation Starters About Bills
Should we split all the bills down the middle or adjust them based on usage?
Should we communicate each time a household bill has been paid?
Should we create a spreadsheet to track our bills and keep our login credentials for those company websites?
Should we meet monthly to discuss how well we are doing in managing our household bills?
What should we do if either of us are having challenges coming up with our part of the bills?
6| Talk About Personal Belongings
As friends, we sometimes treat each other like family, and we use each other’s stuff without a second thought.
While that may have been okay when you occasionally used your friend’s favorite lipstick for a date, it’s a different story when you actually live together and you think you can use it all the time.
Discuss which things are absolutely off limits to one another so that there is no misunderstanding on what’s fair game and what’s not.
Conversation Starters About Personal Belongings
Do you mind if I use ____ when you’re not home?
Is there anything of yours I can use without asking you first?
Is there anything of yours you’d prefer I did not touch?
If I use the last of an item that belonged to you, am I responsible for replacing the whole item, splitting the cost, or would you simply appreciate a courtesy notice so that you can replace it?
How good are you at putting things back where you got them from?
7| Talk About Personal Space
Boundaries need to be discussed when it comes to respecting one another’s personal space.
It can be one of the harder things to discuss with your friends vs a random roommate, because your friends may feel more comfortable barging in whenever they feel like it.
That.Is.Not.Okay!
Just because you have access to one another as friends, doesn’t give either of you access to each other’s physical space whenever you feel like it.
It also doesn’t mean you always want to be around one another.
Another thing to keep in mind is respecting each other’s personal space when in the common areas. For example, if your friend is in the living room, don’t assume she wants you to plop down and start talking to her.
Everyone deserves to flow freely within their home without their personal space being violated.
Best practice: just ask if they are in the mood for company.
Conversation Starters About Personal Space
Do you prefer to decompress after work/school?
Is there any time in the day when you prefer not to be bothered?
Would you prefer that I text or call you or knock before coming into your room?
Should we come up with some type of code when either of us doesn’t feel like being bothered?
Where do you typically like to spend time in the home when you want to be left alone?
8| Talk About Disagreements
Whether it’s conflict from living together or conflict that stems from other issues, you and your friend need to find a healthy way to engage in conflict resolution within the home.
It’s even more important to do so because you two have to be in each other’s faces more than you normally would have before.
What you don’t want to happen is that disagreements have you both turning into roommates from hell.
Listening, addressing issues sooner than later, and compromising will not only help your friendship, but also bring peace into your living situation.
Check out the blog post How To Resolve Issues With Your Friends to learn more ways to handle disagreements in friendships.
Bonus tip: Don’t tell your other friends the challenges you may face as roommates.
Sometimes you may want to vent when you’re frustrated with one another, but involving other people from your friend group will only cause more issues within your friendship and in your living situation.
Conversation Starters About Disagreements
Should we have bi-weekly or monthly check-ins with one another?
How should we address issues that we have with one another regarding the home?
Would you prefer to talk about home issues in person instead of via text or phone call?
What should we do in case a disagreement gets too heated?
What does compromise look like to you?
9| Talk About Privacy
Everyone desires a level of privacy in their personal life.
Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean you want them to know everything about you, nor do they want you to know everything about them.
As roommates, you will see parts of each other’s lives that you may not have been so open with them about before.
Don’t impose on her life and include yourself in her business.
If she doesn’t volunteer information to you, don’t ask her about things that you may have only overheard or seen because you live together.
That also means if you share the same friend group you shouldn’t be gossiping to them about her business.
The caveat here is if you see your friend in harm’s way or engaging in harmful behavior. As her friend you should intervene in some way because you care about her well-being.
Conversation Starters About Privacy
Are there any topics off-limits for us to talk about?
If I overhear/see something that upsets you while in our home, how would you like for me to approach you? Or would you prefer for me to mind my business?
If there is an emergency regarding your well-being, who should I contact?
Should we take private calls in our bedrooms?
Would it be okay if either of us wanted the entire home for privacy for a day/night or a weekend? If so, how should we go about handling those situations?
10| Talk About Friendship Expectations
When you’re friends with one another, you hang out together, you lean on one another for advice, you help each other accomplish tasks and goals, you’re a sounding board for one another, and so much more.
But living together as roommates does not mean you have to do all that 24/7. It’s just not realistic. Honestly, I think it could do more harm than good because you’re pushing yourself past your normal capacity.
While there is the benefit of having easier access to your friend when you really need a friend, there still has to be an understanding and respect for each other’s ability to do so.
Your friend might not want to watch TV with you every night.
Your friend might not want to hear about your day every day.
Your friend might not feel like helping you do something.
And that’s perfectly fine! You might not want to do those things either!
Neither of you should feel guilty for having this conversation, because the truth is you’re both doing it to protect the friendship.
It will be better to know what you expect of one another so that neither of you is left assuming and/or feeling let down by the other’s actions or inactions.
Conversation Starters About Friendship Expectations
Would you like for us to talk more than we did before living together?
Would you like to hang out more now that we live physically closer to one another?
Do you need me to comfort you every time you have a bad day?
How should we go about letting the other person know when we do not have the capacity to be in “friend mode?”
What do you need from me as a friend now that we live together?
Of course these topics and conversation starters could be helpful to roommates in general, but remember the key difference here is that extra level of consideration that you have for your friend, and the respect you have for the friendship.
It’s important to note that even if you have these conversations in the beginning, as you’re living together your answers may change and that’s normal, because you’re getting the real-world experience.
That’s why you all should do check-ins often, and identify areas of success and areas of improvement.
If you feel like this is all too much, my mother always says there is a price to pay for peace of mind, and you should just live alone!
Have you ever lived with a friend? What was your experience like? I’d love to hear about it in the comment section!
