THE TRUTH ABOUT MIXING FRIENDS
You ever have that friend in your life who is always bringing a new person around?
That’s me, I’m that person. Or at least I was that person.
I would connect with someone new, and assume that all of my friends would automatically like them too, and that way of thinking was utterly and completely wrong!
The uniqueness of our personalities mesh differently with every person that we meet, and our experiences with the same person can be completely opposite.
That’s when I learned that it was important to be more mindful about mixing friends and friend groups.
While I have seen it work in my own friend circle, I’ve also seen it go completely left and ruin relationships that meant so much to me.
This blog post sheds light on the good and the challenging parts of intertwining your friend circles, and provides useful tips on how to mix friends successfully.
The Challenges of Mixing Friends
While we may love the idea of everyone being friends with ease, it’s not always that simple.
Mixing your friend groups can be an anxiety-filled task if not handled correctly. Check out these challenges that you may run into.
1| Personalities Clash
No matter how much you might want your friends to be friends with each other, their personality traits might be like oil and water.
Their fundamental differences may be too great, and cause irritation and frustration when around one another.
This can put your friendships with both women in jeopardy, because they may feel like you’re forcing something upon them that makes them feel uncomfortable and annoyed.
Example
You have one friend who is introverted, and when you hang out together it’s typically to do low-energy activities like going to the movies or dinner.
Then you have an extroverted friend whom you like to party with and do more thrilling activities.
When the two come together, the extrovert might find the introvert friend boring, and the introvert might find the extrovert friend to be too much.
2| They Have Nothing in Common
Obviously, there’s something that has connected you with each of these friends, but if you throw them together, you may find that they have absolutely nothing in common.
This can make for an awkward encounter because they will either only talk to you, indulge in the silent treatment, or try to force small talk (you can only talk about the weather so much!).
Your friends may find themselves bored, and not want to hang around because they are uninterested in faking the funk!
Example
You bring two friends together whose interests are the complete opposite.
One friend likes to read classical novels, the other prefers watching reality TV.
One friend doesn’t like to drink, the other friend likes to start her night with a cocktail.
One friend is more frugal, the other friend likes to shop ‘til she drops.
Because they can’t find a way to engage on a surface level, it makes it more difficult to start a conversation, let alone try to build a relationship.
3| Different Friend Expectations
Your role in each of your friendships is different.
Who you are to one friend as you meet their needs is not the same as who you are to another.
When you choose to spend time with both together, they are still expecting you to show up as the you they know. If you don’t, they may be disheartened by the unfamiliar version of the friend they thought they knew.
Example
You have two friends, Friend A, and Friend B.
With Friend A, you are more nurturing, and you’ve taken almost like a big sister role with her.
With Friend B, you are a bit more carefree and independent.
At an event with both friends, Friend A expects you to be by her side the entire time, as your presence makes her feel more comfortable.
Whereas friend B expects you to be mixing and mingling with her and other people, as she’s used to a more open version of you.
In this scenario, you will find yourself overwhelmed trying to cater to both sets of needs, and your friends will feel like you’re acting different because another person is around.
4| Conflicts Between Friends
When your tight-knit friend group bump heads with one another, it’s not expected of you to pick a side because you all value and love one another the same.
But when you mix friends and they have not yet reached that level of friendship with one another, it can be a problem when disputes arise.
That’s when the conflict of, “Well whose side are you on?” comes into play.
Example
You are hosting a game night, and two of your friends get into a heated debate where neither of them are wrong, they simply have opposing views.
They will both look to you for backup and support, and you will find yourself in the uncomfortable position of having to pick a side.
And don’t think you can get away with being neutral!
They will see that as a cop-out, and will feel slighted because they are used to you holding them down no matter what.
Now both friends are upset with you because they don’t trust that you will be there when they need you.
5| They Have Different Levels of Access to You
Every friend in your life knows you in different ways and knows information about you at a level in which you feel comfortable.
Some friends have more access to you due to the trust that has been built, their protection of your vulnerabilities, and the genuine reciprocation they’ve given.
When you mix friends who have different levels of access to you, it can be hurtful to the friends who feel like they don’t know as much about you as another friend.
While it’s not wrong to give different levels of access for your own peace of mind, it still doesn’t feel good to someone who believes they deserve that access, or is in the process of earning it.
Example
You have two friends, Friend A, and Friend B.
With Friend A, you have a special connection over the love you both share for your siblings and the desire to have big families. Your conversations are deep and often emotional.
With Friend B, you have a special connection over shared hobbies and interests. You’re both into fitness and living healthy lifestyles. Your conversations are more light-hearted and pleasantly shallow.
You go to dinner with them both, and Friend A asks you a question about family planning with your significant other.
You may feel uncomfortable answering that question in front of Friend B because you’ve not given her that level of access to you.
Friend B has not been privy to your personal life at all, and now you’re put in a position to share more than you normally would with her before you’re ready to.
Also, because you’ve never had those types of conversations with Friend B, you don’t know if that kind of topic will upset her, because it’s possible that you haven’t gained that level of access with her either.
It can turn into a disaster for everyone.
The Benefits of Mixing Friends and Friend Groups
While this blog post encourages you to exercise caution when mixing friends and friend groups, it’s not meant to deter you from doing so.
Check out these benefits of your friends being friends.
Group Hangouts
As adults, we have less free time than we did when we were younger, so if we can hang out with multiple friends at once, it’s a win!
When your friends become friends with each other, or at the very least are friendly with one another, it’s an efficient way to spend time with the people that you love.
It’s also a great way to give all of your friends important life updates at once, instead of needing to have the same conversation multiple times (unless you prefer to, of course).
Enriched Friendships
When more people come together, more perspectives, experiences, skillsets, knowledge, and characteristics can be shared.
The diversity of the friend circle can help to make one another more well-rounded and open-minded.
There’s also more help available, more love, more support. The tribe has the opportunity to grow stronger and glean from each friend’s value.
New Friendships Formed
Let’s say you connect with someone and you think another friend would like them as well, or that they would have a lot in common, you could be the one that brings them together.
This is the year of no gatekeeping and that includes your friends!
These women may have never crossed paths with one another if you didn’t see the potential of a beautiful friendship.
The newly formed friendship can strengthen your relationships with both women as well, because they appreciate your selflessness.
You knew how good those friends have been to you, and you wanted your other friends to be blessed too.
How to Mix Friends Successfully
Because I do believe that mixing friends can be a good thing, these tips are here to help you do so more effectively.
Engage in a less intimate setting.
Bringing a new friend to your best friend’s birthday dinner is not the right time or place. That event is about celebrating one friend only, and should be treated as such.
Consider doing a volunteer event or going to a workout class together. Something with an activity involved helps to break the ice, and those open environments are less intimidating.
Consider shorter meetings.
It takes time to get comfortable enough with someone to the point where you enjoy being around them for long periods of time.
I can sit with my best friend in silence for hours and feel connected to her, but that took years of learning one another and understanding how each of us operates.
It can be exhausting to both of the friends if they are around the other far longer than either of them are ready for.
They have to build that rapport at their own pace.
Allow the friends to connect on their own.
Once you have them in an environment together, get out of their face! If they gravitate towards one another, it will happen naturally.
Don’t try to blind-date them with antics like, “Jessica likes dogs, Lexi, you like dogs too!” Don’t make it weird.
Ask first.
It’s not about you needing permission to bring someone new around, it’s about being considerate.
Your friend group might not want you to bring a new person around to your monthly brunch. That time may be sacred, plus it can affect the vibe.
If you really want them to meet your new friend, ask them if they’d be open to doing something together at a more appropriate time.
Talk about your new friend.
And no, not in a negative way! But as you engage in your regular conversations with your friends and the opportunity presents itself, bring her up.
For example, if you’re asked what you did for the day, instead of simply stating “shopping,” you could say “shopping with ____.”
It lets your friends know that you’ve met someone new and they are not blind-sided by the relationship that’s been formed.
I know that might sound silly, but your friends care about you, so they care about who’s around you, who’s adding value to your life, and who’s impacting your life in any way.
Use Discernment.
You really do know in your gut if mixing certain friends is a good idea or not. You know the different personalities, and can make an educated guess when it’s best to just be friends separately.
Don’t ignore that feeling, go with your gut!
There is beauty in mixing friends and in not mixing friends. The quality of a friend group is more important than the quantity.
Will intertwining these friends add value to everyone’s life, or just yours? Make sure that your intentions are pure!
Do you like to mix friend groups or keep them completely separate? Let me know in the comments below!
