FRIENDSHIP RECONCILIATION PART 2: HOW TO MAKE UP WITH AN EX-FRIEND
So you had a friendship breakup.
Then, you did the internal work to determine whether or not you should reconcile with your friend and decided that you wanted to.
And now, you’re at the phase where you want to figure out how to rekindle the friendship and create a healthier path forward, and it’s like, where do I start?
First, know that making up with a friend can be a humbling experience that requires vulnerability and trust to be sustained.
Second, know that it’s not an overnight success. Working out the kinks in any relationship is a process, one that takes time and commitment.
If you and your friend are ready to put the past behind you and move forward, this blog post is here to guide you on how to do so with grace, respect, and love for yourself and each other.
How to Make Up With A Friend
1| Be honest with yourself
You need to first explore the truth about how your fallout with your friend made you feel. Identify the specific actions that hurt you and then ask yourself why they affected you the way that they did.
The reason why you need to do this with yourself first is because when you all decide to rehash the issues, it will be an emotional conversation.
Emotional conversations lead to forgetting important information and can prevent us from addressing our true concerns.
Example:
You and your friend “broke up” because your friend tends to forget about you whenever she gets into a romantic relationship.
Her actions that upset you: canceling plans, only ever talking about her significant other, or bringing him along on friend dates.
Your feelings about it: you felt like you were only important to her when she was lonely, it made you feel replaceable, and it left you feeling forgotten.
Don’t be ashamed to take the time to write this down and sort out your feelings. You’d be surprised what you realize when you see it in black and white.
2| Be honest with your friend
Now that you have figured out your feelings, it’s time to share them with your friend, and she with you.
I’d recommend having this conversation in person, if possible, but if that’s not an option, a video chat would suffice.
Face-to-face communication offers unique advantages like eye contact, body language cues, and vocal tone, which contribute to more meaningful and productive conversations, unlike phone calls or text messages.
I’m not a therapist, but life experiences have taught me a few ways to navigate tough conversations with loved ones by doing the following:
Giving them your undivided attention
Not cutting the other person off while they’re talking
Avoiding the blame game (not using accusatory language and focusing on your feelings)
Paying attention to what the other person is saying instead of trying to come up with your examples and defenses
Taking breaks in the conversation if it gets too overwhelming
Not raising your voice or cussing at one another
Keeping the conversation focused to prevent getting off track (this is why it’s helpful to do point #1 first)
Not deflecting when it gets uncomfortable
Acknowledging the other person’s feelings
Taking accountability and apologizing when necessary
Most importantly, when you’re having this conversation with your friend, put your ego to the side and be vulnerable.
Saying “My feelings were hurt because XYZ” doesn’t make you a weak person, it makes you a real one.
3| Engage in conflict resolution
After you guys have probably cried your eyes out with your heart-to-heart conversation and got all your feelings out, it’s time to figure out the actions you need to take to avoid these issues in the future.
Ask yourselves, what can you do differently?
The goal is to work collaboratively and find a solution that you can agree on. Each friend will inevitably have to give in and compromise in some way.
Will it be a perfect agreement? Probably not.
It will take trial and error for sure, but the point is to start somewhere.
Let’s use the example from point #1, the friend who always dropped you whenever she got into a romantic relationship.
To satisfy both friends, the compromise could be to better communicate "friends-only" outings and also to have more gatherings where significant others are allowed to attend.
What’s most important when it comes to conflict resolution is that each person is willing to try so that true reconciliation can be achieved.
Relevant Blog Post: HOW TO RESOLVE ISSUES WITH YOUR FRIENDS
4| Talk about friendship expectations
It’s okay to have standards for your friendship, there, I said it.
I know everyone likes to pretend that friendships are supposed to be so easy-going and that expectations make things complicated and “too deep,” but that’s simply unfair.
We have expectations for romantic relationships, familial relationships, and even coworker relationships, but somehow we have drawn the line at friends, I think not!
It’s okay to want to be prioritized in your friend’s life.
It’s okay to want to be treated with respect by your friends.
It’s okay to want your feelings to be considered by your friends.
It’s okay to want consistency from your friends.
It’s okay to want to be supported by your friends.
And it’s okay to want these things and to expect them.
Now listen, there are levels to this.
That’s when you and your friend should communicate what you genuinely need from one another, and be honest about your capacity to meet those needs.
There will be seasons in your life where you will not be able to do as much, but in other seasons you can do a lot more. It’s all about having open and transparent conversations.
5| Set boundaries, communicate them, and enforce them
This is especially important in situations where trust has been broken (like with a friendship betrayal).
Let’s first address what a boundary is. Using the actual definition, it’s a “limit of the extent of something.”
So when it comes to reconciling our friendships, we may need to “limit the extent of something” to create a safe space and maintain peace of mind.
Remember that a boundary is a change in your behavior, not the other person’s. You can’t MAKE someone treat you the way you want to be treated or else!
You can only control what you allow, but you can set consequences if your friend crosses your boundary.
There is also an emphasis on communicating your boundaries as well. Nobody can read your mind, and it is unfair to expect your friends to respect a boundary they are unaware of.
Example:
Let’s say one of the reasons you and a friend got into it was because she was always posting pictures of you that you didn’t like on her social media.
The boundary that could be set is requesting that your friend ask your permission before posting a picture of you. If that friend still chooses to post without your permission, you could choose to stop taking pictures with her altogether.
6| Go to therapy together
Yes, therapy for friends is a thing.
Friendships are deep and intimate, and a lot of the counseling that can be provided in romantic relationships can also be applied to friendships.
A therapist can be a great mediator if you and your friend are having the same feuds with no resolve.
A therapist can also help you both identify your blind spots and come up with compromises to assist with your conflict resolution.
7| Take a break from each other
This probably sounds counterproductive, but hear me out.
Something caused the rift in the relationship, but you all have decided that there is still a lot of love there that’s worth fighting for.
It could be that you simply needed a comma instead of a period for the friendship.
It may be to the benefit of you both to take a step back, and that time apart can help you:
Cool off
Figure out what you're truly hurt about
Work on yourself in areas you may need to improve as a friend
Identify what you need in a friendship
Explore avenues for true conflict resolution
Space brings clarity, but be careful not to let too much time pass you by and inadvertently end the friendship.
Be intentional about setting a time to come back together and have that much-needed heart-to-heart conversation.
8| Make sure the people in your lives know that you have reconciled
It's likely that when you had a falling out with your friend, you told somebody.
You vented to someone or a few people about the situation because you were hurt. No judgment here, trust me, I get it. It's a natural thing to do to want to get your feelings out.
But if you want to have a healthy friendship and have your loved ones respect it, it's time to go back and let them know you decided to reconcile with this friend.
Your friend and the friendship both deserve that protection and consideration.
9| Practice patience with one another
Changing a behavior or creating a new one doesn't just happen overnight.
It takes time and intentionality to bring about new patterns, and you will need to have patience with one another.
Appreciate the fact that both of you have the desire to fix the friendship and are willing to do the work. Making these changes can be so uncomfortable and foreign that it could take some time to adjust.
And don't forget why you're doing it, because you love and care about one another and the friendship that you share.
10| Enjoy the friendship!
Reconciling a friendship can be heavy work, but don't let fixing the relationship stop you from actually being friends with each other.
Do fun things together, spend quality time, and make new memories.
Remember what you do like about one another and the joy that you bring into each other’s lives.
There is a reason why you two chose the path toward reconciliation, and that's because there is a lot of love there.
Find new ways to keep pouring into your friendship and practice gratitude for one another.
There's no one-size-fits-all solution for mending a friendship. Any of these 10 approaches might help, but the best way to find out is to give them a try.
Do what makes the most sense for your friendship.
Whatever course you all choose to take, know that the process may be a little uncomfortable, but on the other side of doing the work is a healthier, stronger, and more fulfilling friendship!
Have you ever reconciled with a friend? If so, what method worked best for you? Feel free to share in the comments!
